


The Initiation

by stellardrift



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bullying, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2012, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, Hazing, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 16:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellardrift/pseuds/stellardrift
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a chance meeting with Dean Winchester, president of Delta Sigma, Castiel finds he would do just about anything to join the most popular fraternity on campus. He obsession quickly becomes all consuming, leading him down a path he never expected to take, forcing Castiel to find out just how far is he really willing to go to attain his wish and what will he do once he gets there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Initiation

_At the end of its life cycle the massive star compacts in on itself, and the resulting pressure forms an object with an exceptional gravitational force. An endless dark pit born of death, it devours all that draws near. Although remaining imperceptible to human eyes, its presence can be determined through careful analysis of nearby orbiting stars._

 

xxx

Castiel stood stiffly outside the old Victorian house; the early spring breeze sending chills down his still damp neck.   Trying to slow his breathing and relax his cramping muscles, he pulled the bronze handle of the heavy oak front door.  The groaning of the century old wood seemed to echo his own internal distress.   He willed his breaths to slow.  He couldn’t let his desperation show, not now.  Not when he was finally so close.  Castiel took in one last deep breath and walked over the threshold.

And there _he_ was.  Standing there, right at the bottom of the wide front staircase, hand resting on the wooden banister. Dean Winchester.  His heavy gaze burned through Castiel, as though he knew all of Castiel thoughts.   “Back already?” 

Castiel swallowed down the trepidation crawling up his throat and nodded his head before remembering to speak. “Yes.” 

“There’s just one last step to pledging, the interview with the president.” Castiel found himself nodding along like a bobble head, not trusting himself to speak and not ruin everything.  It was hard enough just to remember to breathe when he was standing next to Dean.  “We can do it now if you’d like.” 

“O-Oh... of course.” Castiel's stutter reverberated in the empty foyer and seemed to amplify the feeling of dread slinking around under his ribcage.  Perhaps, this was a mistake.  “I’m ready.”

A slight smile flitted across Dean’s lips, but it was gone before Castiel could be sure he hadn’t just imagined it.  Dean held out his arm, urging Castiel onward into the study.  They walked slowly, their footfalls intruding into the hollow silence.  Castiel stopped at the doorway and looked back at Dean, who gestured him to continue.  The faint odor of a dying fire and worn leather welcomed them into the dimly lit room.  Castiel paused for a moment, noticing the multitude of photographs, each dated with a year and going as far back as the turn of the century.  The black and white faces of the group of young men in each photo grinned easily out at him. 

“Delta Sigma alumni,” Dean spoke from mere inches behind him, the warmth of his breath brushing across Castiel’s neck, a sharp contrast to the less than ambient room temperature.  His heart racing, Castiel held his breath, afraid that his emotions might spill out with an exhalation.

“It would be an honor to be included there someday,” he said, finally, still inspecting the photographs.  He shivered at the loss of the warmth as Dean turned away and sniggered a bit.  Castiel flushed. _Why did I say that?_ But when he turned around Dean was smiling.

“Come on, Cas.” Dean motioned to the seat next to himself on the couch where he had just sat down.

“Cas?” Castiel repeated, not moving.

“It’s a nickname. What’s the matter? You don’t like it?”

“No.  I mean, it’s fine.” Castiel sat down at an appropriate distance next to Dean.  “Shouldn’t we do the interview now?”

“The interview?” The smile disappeared and Dean pursed his lips. “Yeah, I guess so.  So why did you decide to join the fraternity?”

For a moment, Castiel forgot the carefully crafted lines that he had practiced so many times as the memory of their first meeting flitted through his mind.

 

xxx

“Only someone as nerdy as you would hang out in the library before classes have even begun,” Gabriel had told him.  But that hadn’t seemed to be true, as Castiel soon found out.  Anyway, there was nothing wrong with wanting to study harder, wanting to be the best.

He stood, frozen, peering through the bookshelf at the table at the end of the row, where a dirty blonde wearing a white muscle shirt sat reading.  _That’s my spot_.  A few tables away, Castiel scowled as he set his things down rather carelessly, an explosion of noise in the still of the nearly empty room, and sat down.  He opened his laptop and started writing but he didn’t progress very far before compulsively looked over at the other table again.  The other man was still there.  Perfect brows furrowed deep over the open book.  He was still there the second time too.  And the third.

But the fourth time as Castiel glanced up from his laptop, he found himself gazing into a pair of the brightest jade eyes he’d ever seen and the captivating face to which they belonged. His stomach dropped and he fought to catch his breath.

“Do you have an extra pencil?”

Castiel opened his mouth; feeling oddly detached and found he was responding to the question that had been posed to him.

“Um, yes.  I guess so.” Castiel fumbled around in his backpack looking for something usable.  He could feel the stranger’s eyes burning into him.  He gave up trying to sort through the mess and began pulling out old notebooks, a granola bar and his extra hoodie.  _Finally,_ Castiel thought triumphantly, as he held up a stubby pencil of about two inches length.  “Here you go.”

“So what are you doing in the library, anyway?  Classes haven’t even started yet.”  The other man smiled as he took the pencil from Castiel. 

“I like it here.” Castiel stared at him, frowning.

 “Tip’s broken.”  The other man’s smile had disappeared and though his eyebrows were raised, he still had an air of openness about his visage.

“There is a pencil sharpener right there.” Castiel pointed at the wall behind him.

“Uh, thanks.” The stranger turned away, still sounding disappointed.  Castiel meant to look back down at his work, but instead he watched as the pencil-borrower turned the crank and whittled his writing utensil down to a nearly unusable size.  As he turned around, Castiel quickly looked down and pretended to be typing.  _Oh._ He realized.  _He was trying to make a conversation with me_.

Later as Castiel pouted in his room, throwing himself down on his bed and looking up at the ceiling, he asked “How do you talk to people, Gabe? How do you make them like you?”

“What?  This, again?” Gabriel sat up and faced him. “You just have to relax, be yourself.”

“I am myself.”

“Yeah. I know.” Gabe grinned at him.

“I just wish I could, you know…be more likeable,” he muttered under his breath, feeling stupid.

“You are likeable, stupid.  Loveable, even.” Gabe stretched his arms out. “Does somebody need a hug? I can give you a cute little hug, you loveable man, you.”

Castiel threw a pillow at him.

It was not that Castiel’s life was so bad, it wasn’t. He had his studies.  He was working on a dual Math/Physics degree which was being paid for completely by his academic scholarships.   He had recently been asked to supervise one of the lab classes the following fall, a position usually reserved for seniors or grad students.  Apparently, they were having a difficult time finding someone available at that time.  Regardless, it was an honor and it would look great on his application to grad school in a few years.

He had his friends; Gabriel, whom he known since grade school, and Anna, whom he and Gabriel had met freshman year.  She had been shouting a lecture on the evils of water bottles into a bull horn. Gabriel started heckling her, the rest was history.  Ruby, she was the latest addition to their group, more Anna’s friend really. She was always really quiet when they hung out together so even after a year, Castiel still didn’t know her very well. 

They were a small group but he didn’t mind.  He had never really been the kind of person to pursue friendships anyway.  Anyways, he had Gabe, and was usually content to just spend time with him and whatever other people Gabe picked up along the way. Still, sometimes he looked at the groups of kids sitting around laughing or easy way Gabe drew people to himself and Castiel had to admit, he felt the tug of something like longing.

So he protested half-heartedly as Gabe dragged him out the door the next night and before Castiel knew it, he was sitting on a barstool in the back of The Cabernet listening to Anna play guitar at open mic night.  He wasn’t really sure why Gabe insisted that he come, Gabe knew Castiel hated crowds, but the music was okay and Gabe bought him a cola so he guessed he could put aside his paper for one more night.

“I don’t understand.” He leaned over to shout in Gabriel’s ear. “What is the significance of the color of the angle?”

“It’s ankle, Castiel. Red right ankle.”

“But, still,” he continued.  Gabriel just shook his head. 

“I’ll just show you the lyrics when we get home.”

“That was really lovely, Anna,” he told her when she came back to their table. 

“Thanks, Castiel.  I hope you come again next time too.  I’m working on an original song for next week, ‘Brown-eyed Seduction.’”

“That’s an interesting title.” He looked pointedly at Gabriel, who raised his eyebrows at Castiel, his own deep brown eyes gleaming.

The next performance was a duet, who performed a terribly off tone acappella rendition of “Sleepless Nights.” The bar was getting more and more crowded and Castiel was hoping that they would be able to leave soon but Gabe and Anna had just ordered more drinks.  They were now arguing the merits of various drinking games.  He sighed as sat back and allowed his eyes to scan the crowd.

He noticed a familiar figure across the room, leaning against the bar.  Castiel tried not to stare at the outline of slight muscle, underneath his tight white shirt.  He turned, slightly, and Castiel caught a glimpse of his profile. It was him.  The pencil-thief.

“Who’s that?” he asked abruptly, interrupting Gabe and Anna’s progressively louder discussion.

“Who?” Anna asked.

“That guy by the bar. In the white t-shirt,” he said.

“That guy?” Gabriel pointed right at him, wrinkling his nose, “You mean, frat boy, Dean Winchester?” Just as Gabe said his name, he turned around and looked over, right at Castiel.

“Don’t point.” Castiel grabbed Gabe’s finger rather roughly but it was too late, he could tell that Dean had seen them, and knew that they were talking about him.  Castiel blushed furiously as he gave Gabe what he hoped looked like a death glare.

“Aww, Castiel, do you have a crush on someone?” Gabe battled his eyelashes innocently at him.

“No!” He shook his head furiously even as he glanced back over his shoulder to see if the pencil thief- no, _Dean_ -was still looking. But Dean was already turned back to his friends, laughing. 

Castiel tried to focus on the conversation his friends were having but his mind was racing a mile a minute as he nervously snuck quick glimpses of Dean, who never looked back over at him.  He probably hadn’t even noticed them. He couldn’t have heard what they were saying from over there.  Castiel tried to reassure himself but he was beginning to feel sick.  He excused himself and slipped into the bathroom, hoping for a moment’s reprieve from an almost certain humiliation. 

The odor of urine and stale beer filled his nostrils as he leaned back against the cool tile, trying not to imagine what the mystery spatter covering the opposite wall could be.  _It’s okay._ He told himself. _You’ll probably never see him again anyway._

The door slammed open next to him.  Castiel was startled.

“You again.” Dean shut the door behind himself with purpose, his eyes unwavering in their assessment of Castiel. “I saw you in the library, yesterday, didn’t I?”

 _He saw me staring_.  Castiel stared back at him, shoulders squared, his mouth pressed closed, trying to ready himself for confrontation.  “Yes, I—I have to go.”

Castiel pressed himself against the wall again, this time to squeeze by Dean, barely brushing up against him before fleeing the bathroom.  He didn’t leave the small table where Gabe and Anna were still sitting for the rest of the night, but he did manage to steal a glimpse of Dean as he lined up a shot, bent over the pool table.

As soon as Anna started making motions to leave, Castiel was out of his seat and halfway to the door.  He couldn’t get home and away from the scene of his embarrassment soon enough.  On the way back to their dorm, Gabriel had commented on his excessive speed several times.

That night before Castiel closed his eyes he vowed he would forget about the handsome Dean Winchester.  However, like many of the things which Castiel observed, the sharp jaw lines of covered in light stubble and the peak of pale skin, exposed from the sudden shift in motion when Dean had raised his arm behind his head, stayed with him.  A permanent memory, the images ran through his mind again and again, every time he closed his eyes, regardless of his efforts to remove them.

 And then, on his morning coffee run, Castiel noticed Dean lifting weights through the giant glass windows of the gym.  It wasn’t like he’d started making a point after that, to get coffee at that exact same time, on purpose or anything.  No, he was just really tired from all the extra studying he was doing and needed that extra caffeine.

And in between classes, he had watched Dean, center of attention, laughing with his ever present group of friends as he followed them from an inconspicuous distance across the quad.  It happened to be on his way to the lab, coincidently. 

Everywhere Castiel went, Dean was there.  When Castiel began to grab his lunch at the café, suddenly Dean was there, with one of the other fraternity brothers, eating in the corner booth across the room. 

Once, Dean had looked up as Castiel had been walking by and clearly stared. Castiel quickly looked away, but he could feel Dean’s eyes burning into him. He had tried to rein his feelings in, to get a grip, but it was as if some unseen force had gathered him in, magnetizing him, pulling him ever closer to Dean.

Over time, it began to feel as if Dean were haunting him.  His very presence on campus seemed to be created just to torment Castiel, taunting him until he couldn’t take it anymore.  Until he was dreaming of Dean and so even in his own room, in his private thoughts, he couldn’t escape the man.

Meanwhile, he had found out everything he could about Dean and the Delta Sigma fraternity.  Soon he had a near encyclopedic knowledge of everything Delta Sigma and everything Dean Winchester.  His friends had quickly grown tired of his obsession.  It was Gabriel who had cracked first. 

 “Castiel, if you say one more word to me about that stupid frat, I swear I will go up to Dean Winchester and tell him you are in love with him!”

“Wha--? I’m not in love with him!” Castiel’s surprise had quickly turned to fear. “Gabe, you would ruin my chances at pledging?”

Luckily, it had seemed that Gabriel was merely joking.  Though, he certainly wasn’t happy with the idea of Castiel joining a fraternity.  If he knew what Castiel had had to do so far, he’d be even unhappier.  So Castiel had kept it to himself when one of the seniors had handed him a toothbrush and watched as he scrubbed the floor for hours or when he participated, heart thudding, in the crime of creating graffiti under the train bridge near campus while Sam Wesson, another pledge, played lookout.  Castiel had almost chickened out.  He’d come really close.  He prayed to God, promising that if he didn’t get caught, he would never break the law again. 

He _definitely_ didn’t tell Gabriel about that one.

Until finally the night before, he, along with the other pledges had been dropped off in the middle of a cow field, miles from campus.  They had been made to walk the entire way back to the house with no shoes and very little clothing on.  He had been exhausted and cold when they finally made it back just as the sun began to rise. 

“Go home and shower, dress nice.  Be back here in one hour,” said Michael, one of the seniors and persons in charge of 'keeping the pledges in line.' He rarely smiled and often looked disgusted with them.  Castiel hurried home.  When he walked into his room, all of his friends, Gabe, Ruby and Anna, were standing inside.

“Oh my god!  Castiel are you alright?” Anna’s large eyes glistened under the florescent light.  He guessed he must have looked worse than he thought.

“I’m fine,” he replied.  “I just need to quickly shower.  Sorry, I don’t have time to chat.”

“Castiel,” Gabriel was looking out the window.  His body was taut, his voice cracked.  “We need to talk. Now.”

“We’re worried about you.” Ruby stepped forward, her arms crossed over her chest.

“You missed classic horror movie night,” Anna added.

“I’ve already explained.  I’m fine.” Castiel grabbed his bathroom things and turned for the door.  Gabriel stood up and blocked his way.

“You are not fine.  You haven’t slept in weeks.  You’re never home. You’re missing classes.   _Missing classes_.”

“Only two.  Please, get out of my way Gabriel.  I am in a rush,” Castiel said through gritted teeth.  He knew he was being rude, but he was sick of them treating him like he was a child.  He could make his own choices. 

“Castiel!” Anna said, absolutely scandalized.  “I have never seen you like this.  That fraternity is changing you.  You are turning into a big, fat _jerk_!”

Castiel looked over at Anna, whose face wore a caricature of shock, to Ruby who was beginning to cry and to Gabriel, his best friend since grade school who had always been there for him, who had patiently explained sarcasm and sexual innuendo unasked again and again, who had turned down a baseball scholarship to UC Santa Barbara to be roommates with him here.  _“Well, somebody has to look out for you.”_  He had said.

“Get out of my way.” Castiel narrowed his eyes at Gabriel.  He had been patient enough with their concerns.  This was his problem.  Not theirs.  At this, Gabriel lost it and snarled at Castiel, tore open the door and stomped through it and down the hall.  Castiel ignored him and ran to the showers, in the opposite direction. 

Sure, there had been a few times recently when Castiel had hit ignore on his cell phone when Gabriel or one of the girls were calling him but didn’t they realize how important this was to him?  So what if he had missed a few classes?  He could afford it.  So what if he had missed a few hangout sessions?  They would be having even more fun as soon as Castiel became a member of Delta Sigma and he could invite them to the best parties on campus.  They could have classic horror movie night at the house and best of all, Dean would be there too.

 _Soon, they will understand._  He told himself as he pushed the hurt look on Gabriel’s face out of his mind.  The hot water sprayed away all of the caked on dirt and grime and what was probably cow feces.  By the time he had gotten back to Delta Sigma he had completely erased it from his mind.  In its place was the ever abiding fantasy of his new friendship with Dean Winchester.

But now, now that fantasy was almost a reality. 

xxx

“Cas?” Dean was in front of him

 “I, I’m sorry.  I forgot the question,” Castiel said, blushing profusely.

Dean’s grin only grew, exposing a row of flawless teeth.  “I love it when you blush. You’re so cute when you get all shy.”

 _Cute?_   Castiel smiled slowly, wishing he knew what to say.  Maybe Dean was just being friendly.  He twitched nervously under Dean’s heated gaze.

“Thanks,” he breathed, eyes focused on the corner of the brown cushion.

 “Well. . .  anyways, what qualities do you have that you think make you a good fit for this house?” Dean’s eyes were still burning into him, though he refused to look up.

“I’m determined, a hard worker and I enjoy pleasing others,” Castiel rattled off quickly. He had rehearsed the answer to this so many times already.

 “Good.”

He could feel a heated gaze trailing up and down his body.  Castiel's head was beginning to feel light and airy, his fingertips numb. 

“I think it’s pretty obvious that you would fit in here, Cas. I don’t see any reason why you can’t be one of our newest brothers.”

“Really?!” Castiel heart leaped in his chest.

“There is _one_ last thing that you have to do.”

 “Of course, what is it?” he spoke a little too quickly.  A little too eagerly.  Dean had noticed.  He could tell.  Dean bit his bottom lip and looked away.  Then, he took a deep breath.

“It’s an initiation rite.  It’s one of the most secret rites of the brotherhood but once you’ve completed it, you’ll be one of us.” That was really all Castiel had needed to hear, but Dean continued.  “It’s not easy; I’ve seen a lot of candidates come this far only to back out.”

“I would never back out!” Castiel vowed.

Dean nodded, grin growing ever wider at Castiel’s enthusiasm.  “That’s good. That’s very good.”

He had been inching closer and closer to Castiel during their conversation and now it seemed, suddenly, that he was mere centimeters from his face.  Castiel could smell the spicy musk of Dean’s deodorant, the same kind his roommate at St. Matthews had worn.  “Get down on your knees, in front of me.”

“Wh-what?” Castiel stuttered, jumping back as he realized how close the other man was sitting next to him.  He recognized the look in Dean’s eyes.  He hadn’t expected more hazing or whatever this was.

“Get down on your knees.”

Castiel stared, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.

“B-b-but…”

“You want to be in this fraternity, don’t you?” Dean frowned. “Isn’t this what you want?”

Yes. Yes, he wanted to be in the fraternity.  And he really wanted to be close to Dean, but this wasn’t how he had imagined it.  He closed his mouth and nodded wordlessly as he slid off of the soft leather and landed on his knees in front of the single most important person to his college social life, his biggest crush—no, _idol_ , Dean Winchester.

Who was currently unzipping his jeans.

Castiel bit his lip nervously.  He understood what was expected of him at this point.  He looked past Dean at the photos over the mantle, former fraternity brothers- now senators, attorneys, doctors. 

He looked back at Dean.  Dean, his green eyes burning, mouth parted slightly expectantly.  Castiel looked back at the alumni photos. _They’ve all done this?_ He thought hesitantly.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice, low, patient.

“I . . . um,” Castiel’s voice faltered.  He looked down at Dean’s lap. He could see the hint of maroon boxers through his unbuttoned and unzipped pants and the outline of something much harder..  “I’m nervous,” he whispered.

Dean reached out and gently stroked his arm.  “It’s okay, Cas.  You don’t have to be nervous.  I’ll help you.”

 _It’s just hazing._  Castiel reminded himself.   _And it’s not like he hadn’t done this before._  “Okay.”

He could barely speak as Dean guided Castiel's hand up Dean's thigh and into his jeans.  Castiel ran his hand over the length of Dean’s shaft eliciting a small moan.  He looked up at Dean, who was smiling encouragingly and was surprised by the warmth spreading in his own groin.

A bit more confident now, Castiel reached into Dean’s boxers and pulled out his cock.  He took a deep breath and bent down.  Gripping it firmly, he stuck his tongue out and licked from the base to tip earning a sigh of pleasure from Dean.  He trailed the tip of it around his lips, licking the pre-come that beaded there.

“That’s good, Cas,” Dean breathed. “Now, put it in your mouth.”

Castiel closed his mouth around Dean’s cock and began moving up and down slowly.  The moan that escaped Deans lips sent shivers up Castiel's spine and after a few moments, he was half hard himself.

 “That’s really good Cas,” Dean whispered, moaning. For the first time all night, Castiel stopped thinking about being in Delta Sigma.

Every moan, every strained whisper, every response that Dean had to Castiel’s touches created another wave of electricity down Castiel’s spine.  He watched Dean’s hands grip the edge of the couch cushion and he wished it was him that was being touched like that.  He focused.  He moved faster. He wanted more.

Then without warning, Dean reached up and gripped the back of Castiel's head, thrusting himself down Castiel’s throat, choking him.  He tried to pull back but Dean’s hand pulled him closer as hot liquid surged to the back of his throat making him gag.  Castiel swallowed it reflexively as a cold rushed over him and then settled as throbbing disappointment.

Breathless, he looked up at Dean but the man refused to meet Castiel's eyes.  Abruptly, Dean zipped up his pants and stood up; ignoring Castiel’s gaze and headed towards the door.  Castiel’s stomach dropped.  He had expected something else, though he wasn’t quite sure what.

“Aren’t you coming?” Dean muttered when Castiel didn’t move from the floor.  Castiel had thought that he had wanted to be near Dean, but now he knew that would never be enough.  A wave of pain washed over Castiel’s body.  He looked back up at the photos over the mantle.  Suddenly, he was not that excited at all about being a member of Delta Sigma.

When they got out to the main room of the house, it seemed like everyone had been waiting for them.  Michael looked furious.

“You’ve made us wait,” he said, eyes burning into Castiel.

“But—“

“Mike, it’s ok.” Dean raised his hand, dismissing him.  “He was with me.”

Michael looked concerned for a moment before he recovered and resumed his usual look of displeasure.  “Fine.  Now, we will begin. You five have been chosen to become initiated as new members of this organization.  We will now proceed to the basement where the others are waiting.”

Castiel suddenly noticed that a few of the pledges were not present.  That meant that he had been chosen over them.  Castiel felt a sudden jolt of satisfaction at this victory.  That was what he had wanted after all, wasn’t it?

The descent into the basement was lit with candles of all shapes and sizes, which littered the ground and random surface areas.  As they were the only source of light, it was difficult to make out anything but the shapes of some dark hooded figures in the increasingly eerie atmosphere. 

Luckily for Castiel, he was last in line so he could see what would happen to the others first and prepare himself.  He was already bracing himself for some fresh horror, though he could not imagine anything worse than what he had already been through.  His mind replayed one of Dean’s moans from earlier.  He felt simultaneously repulsed and turned on.  _What was wrong with him?_

If he hadn’t been able to get Dean out of his head before, what would it be like now? He looked over his shoulder to see that Michael and Dean had put on hooded cloaks as well.  He couldn’t tell them apart in the dark.  _Just as well,_ he thought, as he wished that the night was over. 

The other brothers were standing in a circle beckoning the new recruits into the center where a small table stood.  On the table laid a golden chalice, a knife and a seemingly ancient book.  Castiel was surprised by the fact that he was suddenly hyperaware of Dean’s body.  He swore he could feel the heat emanating from the other man, as Dean walked past him and up to the table where he opened the book and began to read.  It was in Latin. 

 _He probably doesn’t even know what it means,_ Castiel thought irritably, taken aback by the unexpected negative emotions he felt towards Dean.  He couldn’t help but replay the way Dean had pointedly refused to look him in the eyes earlier and regret washed over him.

“Now, to welcome our new brothers, to make them true blood brothers, we will offer a sacrifice.”  Castiel’s eyes grew wide as Dean lifted the blade up and then brought it down into his opposite palm, drawing a line of blood.  He held his dripping hand over the chalice as Michael took the knife from him and made a similar cut on his own hand.  One by one, all of the brothers bled into the chalice until it was nearly half full. 

When they had finished, Dean lifted the cup and began making some kind of speech that Castiel could not follow.  His stomach lurched as he watched the thick liquid slosh around, his mouth bone dry.  Castiel could feel sweat beginning to drip down his forehead as he watched Dean offer the cup to the pledge standing farthest from him.  The pledge put his mouth to the lip of the cup, tipped it back and swallowed down a large gulp.  Castiel closed his eyes as his stomach lurched again.  Upon opening them, he could only watch in dazed disbelief as one by one, the other three pledges took the cup and drank.

Then, Dean turned to Castiel, holding out the chalice with the fresh coagulating blood of over twenty individuals of whom Castiel had no idea of their health history. 

“Will you become one of us then?” Dean asked, voice hardened, eyes cold and for the first time since the study, looking directly into Castiel's own-- a challenge.  Castiel clenched his jaw in anger and reached for the cup,  ignoring his inner doubts as he lifted it his lips.  He thought about waterfalls and glistening streams and ice cubes floating in pink lemonade as he drank.  The metal taste slithered down his throat and he swallowed it down in victory.  Dean said nothing, his face an apathetic mask as he finally turned away. 

 

xxx

Afterwards, there was beer.  Lots of it.  And there was no pressure to over consume it.  In fact _now_ , everything was different.  Everyone who had previously seemed to be trying to make his life a living hell was now friendlier towards him than Castiel could have ever hoped. Everyone it seemed, except Dean.  But that bothered Castiel less and less as the night went on, and he reveled in the feeling of belonging.  He was one of them.

“Grab me another one too while you’re in there!” Sam called to him, seeing that he was headed towards the kitchen.  Castiel pushed through the swinging door walked across the large kitchen.  The oversize fridge was filled with a variety of alcoholic beverages, and  he was contemplating the purple and pink Jello shots when he heard someone say Dean’s name with a sort of hushed anger.  It seemed like the voices were coming from another door leading out of the kitchen which Castiel did not remember seeing before.  He moved closer and focused on listening.  He could make out one of the voices now.  It was Dean.  His heart leapt.  He was desperate to know what they were talking about but he could only make out some of what they were saying.

“---Stalker.  You said ----- was a creep ----- get rid of him. ” 

“Yeah well, ----- changed my mind.”

“----- ---- problem ----”

“Forget about it!"  And with that a door slammed, and Castiel heard someone coming down stairs.  It sounded like the stairs were behind the doorway.  He panicked, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping, and  ran back out into the main room.  A few moments later, he saw Michael walk out of the kitchen looking angry.  He pushed the incident from his mind, scolding himself for being so nosey, and took the beer that Sam handed him a little while later, when he had apparently given up on Castiel ever getting them.

After some rounds of beer pong later, he fell asleep on the couch, next to Sam and Uriel.  The next day was Sunday, so thankfully he didn’t have to worry about any more missed classes at the moment.  His neck ached and his head was throbbing.  The others were still asleep and the house was quiet.  Castiel shambled into the bathroom, where he splashed his face with water and tried not to think too hard about the fact that his best friend was furious with him, he was behind in his classes and _Dean_. When he finished and opened the door, Dean was standing there.

“Hey.” Dean was looking at his hands, which he clasped and unclasped together awkwardly in front of him.  Castiel had the nagging feeling he had been waiting outside the bathroom the entire time.

“Hello, Dean.” His voice was steady.  He was careful.

“What are you doing today? Anything?” Dean asked.

“I don’t have any plans,” Castiel said as his stomach fluttered.  He thought he might be sick.  He was sure it was the hangover.  He was still somewhat irritated by the way Dean had treated him the night before.  It was just hazing, he tried to remind himself.  But still, everything felt different now.

“I want to take you somewhere, uh, to show you something,” Dean said.

“Okay,” Castiel replied instantly.  How could he say no to Dean, anyway?  Maybe last night was just a fluke. Maybe it was part of the act, the dramatics of the initiation ceremony.  Dean led him out the back door and to a small path. It began just at the edge of the backyard where it met the thick woods that were behind it. 

“We’re going back there?” Castiel asked suspiciously.  “Is this another secret rit—“

“What?! No!” Dean replied quickly, looking somewhat ashamed.

Castiel wondered if it had to do with what they had done in the study last night.  After all, Dean had began acting so coldly to him immediately afterwards.   _Maybe he’s regretful_ , Castiel thought. _Or maybe it wasn’t to his liking.  Maybe he knows. ._. 

“I haven’t eaten breakfast yet, I should probably—“

“Oh, I brought snacks.  And water.” Dean motioned to his backpack.  “Just, come on.”

Castiel tried not to panic as he stepped forward onto the path to show his intent to follow Dean.  Dean noticeably relaxed and smiled.

“Trust me. You won’t regret this,” he said. 

They walked for what seemed like forever through the shade of the towering wood and across the blanket of pine needles, until at last, they were standing at the edge of large brook.  Castiel could see that they were actually at the topmost height of a jagged precipice lasting several hundred meters.  A few feet away, the brook turned into a waterfall, pouring down into a small pool, maybe twelve feet in diameter and nearly thirty feet below.

“Wow,” Castiel breathed. It certainly wasn’t what he had been expecting.  Dean smiled at him again, his face relaxed and the skin around his eyes crinkling.  Castiel smiled back, and looked down, not trusting himself not to stare.  Dean walked over and sat down at the edge, letting his legs dangle over the edge.  He set his backpack on the ground next to him.

“Come on.” Dean patted the spot next to himself.

“It doesn’t seem safe.” Castiel shook his head, frozen in place.

“It is. I do this all the time,” Dean reassured him.

Castiel took a deep breath and walked closer to the ledge.  He sat down next to Dean, careful to keep somewhat of a distance.  He kept his head up and avoided looking directing down.  Instead he looked over at Dean, who was studying him carefully.

“What?” Castiel demanded.

“Nothing.” Dean looked away. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Dean spoke again. “Do you like it here?”

“Yes,” Castiel said.  Dean smiled.

“I like to come here sometimes, to be alone,” he confessed.

“I can see why.  It’s beautiful,” Castiel said.

“Yeah?  Want to see the best part?” He stood up suddenly, startling Castiel who looked down accidently.  His stomach twisted in knots as he mentally calculated the height from their spot to the water below.  They were dizzyingly high; at least it seemed like it to Castiel. 

He backed away from the edge and looked over to Dean who was stripping to his underwear, black boxer briefs, in record time.  Castiel stiffened his jaw with the most careful display of self control as he flashed back to the day before, remembering what Dean looked like with his eyelids half open and head tilted back.  Castiel tried to look away.  He really did, but he couldn’t help it if his peripheral vision was just too superior.

“Watch this!” Dean exclaimed, as if Castiel needed to be told.  Without warning, he ran for the edge, a few feet over, where the earth expanded outwards from the steep sides of the cliff and drove over.

“Dean!” Castiel shouted jumping up from the ground and rushing over.  He looked over the ledge, stomach clenching.  He had heard the splash but he couldn’t see anyone in the water. “Dean?”

Then he saw a head push up to the surface, and he breathed a sigh of relief.  “Come on!” Dean shouted up at him.

“No way!” Castiel shook his head involuntarily and backed further away.

“Come on!” Dean said again. “It’s fun!  Just jump out from the ledge so you don’t smash into the rocks!”

“I can’t do it!” He was mentally calculating the acceleration at which his face would smash into the rocks from a fall at this height. He looked up at the horizon. Trying to focus on Dean, while he was so far down was making him dizzy.

“Yes, you can! Just do it! Don’t be a wuss!” Dean shouted back but Castiel ignored him and backed away even further from the ledge.  A few moments later, Dean appeared back next to him, dripping wet.

“What’s the matter?” Dean asked.  He was standing close to Castiel, dripping water onto the flat rock he was sitting on.  “Afraid of heights?”

“How did you get back up?” Castiel asked, ignoring Dean’s question.

“Come on, I’ll show you.” He led Castiel down the far side of the waterfall where the smooth rocks made a convenient staircase.

“Are you coming in?” Dean asked when they had reached the bottom.

“I don’t know,” Castiel hesitated.  It was pretty warm for an early spring morning and he had worked up a bit of a sweat on the walk there. Even though Dean had already seen him naked once, for some reason Castiel now felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of undressing in front of him.  It could be the nagging heat building inside of him ever since he had watched Dean’s back muscles flexing as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“You know, I brought you here to go swimming with me and I’m going to be very disappointed if you don’t join me,” Dean said.

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Castiel gulped.

“Good. Then take off your clothes,” Dean commanded.

Castiel swallowed.  Hesitantly, he removed his shirt, shoes and jeans. 

“Come here,” Dean called. He was standing next to the waterfall on a smooth flat rock that was just beneath the surface of the water.  Castiel could see the pitch black where the rock suddenly disappeared, dissolved by the ever persistent pressure of the water.  Dean grabbed him by both arms.

“Ready?” Castiel had no time to respond as suddenly Dean jumped into the pool, pulling Castiel with him.  Castiel gasped as they hit the ice cold water.  He pushed Dean away and scrambled for the surface. 

“Hey!” Castiel shouted as he splashed him.  Dean laughed.  Castiel felt an unexpected grin begin to form on his face.  Dean tried to dunk him under but Castiel swam away, only to emerge behind him and catch him off guard.  He grabbed Dean by the shoulder, twisting him around until they were face to face and Castiel was bathing in the fever of Dean’s scrutiny.  He tightened his grip on Dean’s shoulder and pulled until their bare chests pressed against each other.  Each inhalation of their ragged breaths forced them nearer and Castiel stayed still, paralyzed, unable to turn away.  Through half-lidded eyes, Castiel tilted his head slightly until his lips grazed Dean’s slightly parted lips.

Dean drew nearer, capturing Castiel's bottom lip in between his own.  Castiel breathed in deeply Dean’s faint oaky scent.  His fingers trailed down Dean’s back, feeling the warm satin skin.  He traced Dean’s hip before grabbing him and pulling him closer.

“Stop.”  Dean pulled away, pushing Castiel’s hands away frantically, splashing water into his face as he swam to the other side of the pool. 

Castiel shook the water from his hair and face with his hands.  He glanced over at Dean, whose back was turned to him as he looked out into the expansive thicket that began just a few feet from the end of the water.  Castiel swam in place, unable to think.  He could feel his heart dropping into his stomach and he felt like he might be sick.  _Run._   He finally moved, swimming to the end of the pool and pulling himself out. 

“I’m sorry.” Castiel took one last look at Dean’s hunched shoulders before turning away.  He climbed back up the rocky ledge and gathered his shirt and pants, shaking.  _What have I done?_

“Cas.  Wait.”  Dean had followed him silently and was now standing just behind him. 

Castiel turned to meet his gaze but Dean looked down at the dirt under his feet instead. 

“It’s no big deal.  We can forget about it?  Right?” Dean mumbled.

“Yeah.  Okay.”  Castiel furrowed his brow.  He didn’t understand what was going on.  How had things gone from perfect, to _this,_ so quickly?

“It’s just, I’m not …”

“Okay,” Castiel snapped and without thinking added, “Me either.”

“We can still hang out.  I mean, if you want.” Dean still wouldn’t look at him.

“Okay,” Castiel replied automatically.  Instantly, he regretted it.  He should probably just leave.

But Castiel didn’t leave.  He couldn’t.  They lay on one of the large flat rocks, shivering while they dried in the September sun.  After a few still awkward moments, Dean seemed to forget about what happened earlier.  He threw Castiel a bag of chips from his backpack and smiled. They talked about music, movies—Dean was appalled by Castiel's general lack of exposure to, well, anything.

“You’ve never seen Fight Club? It’s a classic!” Dean looked scandalized. Castiel scowled.

“It doesn’t interest me.”

They talked about their studies.

 “Sounds boring,” Dean said when Castiel began talking physics.

“What is so boring about studying the universe and the composition of matter? About being able to describe lightening or sound waves qualitatively?” Castiel wrinkled his nose.

“Um. . ." Dean replied. Castiel suddenly noticed how close they were sitting to each other, again. Dean’s hand was resting in the grass just an inch or two from Castiel’s thigh.  Maybe he should move away.

“What are you studying?” Castiel asked, trying to focus on the conversation.

“I’m majoring in business,” Dean told him.

“How did you become interested in that?” Castiel asked.

“I’m not,” Dean admitted, and Castiel looked at him questioningly.  “It’s my dad, he's obsessed with me taking over the family business by the time I’m thirty.  I guess he wants to retire or something.”

“Oh,” Castiel said.

“Yeah.” Dean looked down.

“If you could do anything you wanted then, what would you do?” Castiel asked.

“I don’t really know. I haven’t really thought about it.” Dean said.

“You’ve never thought about going against your father’s wishes?” Castiel asked.

“No,” Dean said hesitantly.  “I figure if it’s that important to him I should just do it.  Aren’t you close to your family?”

“Not really,” Castiel replied, shaking his head.  He had spent every holiday since he was twelve with Gabriel and his family.  That year, he had met Gabriel’s mother when she came to pick him up at St. Mathew’s Academy boarding school for boys.  He remembered how embarrassed he had been by her reaction when she found out he spent the holidays at the school, alone with Friar Greene.  So, he didn’t spend much time with his family. Or none at all, rather.  “My mother died when I was young, my father, well, he wasn’t around much.”

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like if she was still alive?” Dean asked.

“I used to.  It’s easier now that I don’t have to be around the rest of them.”   _Feeling their hatred and blame, burning into him_.

“My mother died when I was young, too.”

Castiel looked up at Dean, surprised.

“Do you remember her?”

“A little. I was four when she died. I just remember her tucking me in at night, hugging me.  She smelled like lavender and mint. Her voice was soft,  I think.  She was nice.” Dean looked away from him.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel offered.  Castiel couldn’t remember anything about his mother.  He didn’t even know what she had looked like.

Dean’s eyebrows were furrowed, deep in thought.  Castiel couldn’t help imagining himself wrapping his arms around him and holding him as he placed his lips gently to Dean’s.  He was filled with a sudden longing so deep it was nearly painful.  Castiel struggled to keep his expression neutral.  The last thing he wanted was to scare Dean away.

Dean leaned in and spoke softly: “No, I mean, I’m just saying it sucks.  I know for me it sucked really bad after she died.  Well, it could have been worse, I guess.”

Castiel swore he could nearly feel the heat of Dean’s breath on his lips.  He closed his eyes for a quick moment, struggling to gain a hold of himself, but wondered if he even wanted to. 

“At least you have your father,” he breathed.

“Yeah, at least I have my father.”  A look passed across Dean's face, so quickly that Castiel barely noticed it, before his face returned to a look of careful concentration.   

Long after the sun dipped low in the sky, they decided to head back.  No one seemed to notice that they had been gone except for Michael, who didn’t even appear to be trying to hide his furious scowl. 

Castiel wondered if he should be worried about the way that Michael’s deathly gaze burned into him for the rest of the night, but it was hard to care after the day he had just spent with Dean.  Despite the incident, or maybe because of it, he felt like he was on top of the world and he was so busy watching Dean being the life of the party, that he didn’t even notice his phone ring.

And if he had thought his night couldn’t get any better, it seemed that Dean had decided to personally get him drinks all night long.  As soon as his cup was empty, Dean shot up and poured another one, handing it to him and saying “Drink up, buddy.”

Hours later, Castiel was on the back porch with Sam, doing something he truly never imagined he would do, smoking his first cigarette. 

“You’re not even inhaling!” Sam complained as Castiel coughed.

“I am too!  If I wasn’t inhaling the smoke, I wouldn’t be coughing,” Castiel reasoned while laughing.  He was drunk, very, very drunk.  Sam began laughing too.

“I thought they were going to do some crazy shit down in that basement,” Sam said suddenly, through fits of laughing. “I thought they were gonna like, I don’t know, sacrifice us on the alter or something.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Castiel said defiantly, as though he hadn’t nearly been sick.  “It wasn’t as bad as the other part of the initiation.”

He wasn’t sure why he had brought that up.  He was just so confused, first he had been sure that Dean wasn’t interested but now. . . and then what had happened earlier.  He didn’t really want to discuss _that_ with Sam. In fact, even as he said it, he regretted it.

“Huh?” Sam cocked his head. “What other part?”

“Just before we went into the basement,” Castiel said, wishing he’d never mentioned it.

“What are you talking about?  We were all waiting for you and when you finally showed up, a few minutes later we went into the basement. There was no other part.” Sam sounded confused.

“You mean the only secret initiation ritual was what happened in the basement?” Castiel asked.

“As far as I know.” Sam was furrowing his brow. Castiel felt his buzz disappear completely as he tried to comprehend the meaning of Sam’s words.  Just then he heard the screen door slam and he saw that Dean had come outside.  Castiel felt anger boil inside him as he began to understand that Dean had maliciously tricked him.   _But why?_ Was this some kind of elaborate joke?  A prank?  What if he wasn’t even in the fraternity?  What if it was all some elaborate scheme to humiliate him?  And he had _trusted_ Dean.  He had stayed with him, told him things…

Dean’s eyes were wide as they flitted back and forth from Castiel face to his balled fists that were clenched to his sides.   _Had he heard everything? Does he know that I know?_  Castiel thought wildly. He had to get out of there.  To be alone.  He stormed past Dean, knocking into him as left the backyard.  He raged on as he reached the street, quiet at one o’clock in the morning on a weekday.  A cat walked in front of him and hissed.  He hissed back. 

The sudden beep from his pocket startled him.  He had several missed calls from Gabriel and Anna.  And a text.

_Where are you? -Dean._

He shoved his phone back into his pocket.  He walked until his legs were sore and then he went back to his dorm room.

Gabriel was asleep in his bed.  Castiel could see his small form slightly moving up and down under the covers, blissfully asleep.  Castiel wished he could fall asleep but despite his physical exhaustion, he laid awake well into the night.  He was angry, confused.  He thought about the way Dean’s lips had looked with his mouth sighing open. He thought about how they had felt on top of his own.  Castiel loathed him.  He wanted him.

When Castiel awoke the next day, Gabriel was gone. He looked at the clock, it was near noon.  He swore.   He had _The History of Western Civilization_ at twelve ten, and he was in no shape to leave his room, let alone attend class, without a shower and a lot of coffee.  Considering he had already missed English at 10, what could it hurt to miss the rest of his classes for the day? He reasoned to himself as he pulled his Star Wars sheets back over his head.  He couldn’t believe how desperately he wanted to simply stay here, in this dorm room, under the covers and hiding from everything.  How could he be this stupid?  How could he have let this _happen_?

He was still hiding under his covers when Gabriel came in.  He lay still listening as Gabriel dropped a book on his desk, where it landed with a thud.

“I know you’re not sleeping.” Gabriel didn’t sound amused. Castiel’s gut churned as he remembered how angry Gabriel had been the day before.  He sat up.

“Gabe,” he began, taking in a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for how I acted.  I, I had no right to treat you that way.  I let my selfish obsession take over my life. . . and for nothing.” Gabe rolled his eyes.

“So does this mean you didn’t get in?” he said with a hint of relief in his voice.

“No, I did.” Castiel looked down. “The initiation ceremony was Saturday night.”

“But that’s what you wanted isn’t it?  Why do you sound so depressed?” Gabriel’s tone sharp again. Castiel sensed it would take more than a short apology to set things right this time.

“I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want anymore.”  He hugged his pillow, still picturing Dean’s face.  This time the stunned looking version, eyes wide, confused, just before Castiel had pushed past him. 

“What happened?”  Gabriel’s voice softened just a bit.  Castiel sighed.

“I can’t—“

“Right, secret stuff,” he sneered. “Forget I asked.”

“No Gabe, it’s not like that. You don’t understand.”  He pressed his face into the pillow, holding back tears.  Not only had he wasted almost half a year obsessing over something that he now felt frightened and confused about, but he had alienated his only true friends in the process.  Now after everything his best friend hated him.

“I don’t hate you.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, but you always think it every time I get mad at you. Look, I’m not going to lie; it really hurt my feelings when you stopped hanging out with me and the girls.  I didn’t know that this fraternity thing would stop us from being friends.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Castiel’s reply was muffled, his face still in the pillow.

“Well, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna go back there? Are you gonna go through with it?”

“I’ve already gone through with it.  They made us drink blood, I don’t know what happens if you decide you don’t want to be a part of it anymore-”

“They made you drink blood?!”

“That’s not the worst part.”

“It gets worse?!”

“ _Dean_.” Was the muffled groan.

“Yeah you’re new best bud,” Gabriel replied sarcastically. “Or wasn’t that the plan?”

Castiel sighed loudly. He knew he had no right to complain to Gabe about his problems when he should be groveling for his forgiveness.  So, instead of continuing he pasted a grin on his face and responded. “No, _you’re_ my best bud.”  Gabriel’s smile reassured Castiel that he had made the right decision not to say anymore.

“Want to go to lunch?”

“Definitely.”

“Great, but please go shower first.  You reek.”

And just like that things were back to normal, between the two of them at least.  
  


xxx

 

As the day dragged on, Castiel grew more anxious.  He knew he was expected to come back to the house tonight for a party but it was the last place he wanted to be.  In fact, he never wanted to face them again.  After lunch he took his laptop to the library to get caught up on his class work.  The neglected work had been piling up, and was quickly becoming a procrastinator’s worst nightmare.

He opened his planner to see that Gabriel had written in it all of the homework assignments in Western Civ on the days that he had missed.  He smiled, relieved to think that Gabriel had never intended on staying angry with him.

Castiel opened a fresh word file and began to type a response to the reading from two weeks ago. He could barely remember what they were about.  He felt so stupid for getting so caught up in everything that he had neglected his studies completely.  How had he let it come to this? Ashamed, he picked up his laptop and went down to the reserve desk to borrow a copy of the history textbook.  Then he found a nice quiet corner and began trudging through.

He was nearly caught up, when he felt a hot breath on his neck.  He jumped out of his chair.  Dean was standing behind it.

“Did you miss me?” he said in a low voice with a grin.

“Dean?” Castiel could barely think. He stepped back, away from Dean.

“What’s the matter? You didn’t mind being so close yesterday. And why did you run out last night? Huh? What’s your problem?”

“What’s my problem?” Castiel repeated his voice barely above a whisper. “What’s my problem?”

“Yeah, you heard me,” Dean replied cocky as ever, eyebrows furrowed, enunciating each syllable. “What is your problem?”

“My problem? _My_ problem?” Castiel felt the floor spinning under him. He stepped forward, surprising himself, his face inches from Deans. “ _You_ are my problem.”

 “Whoa, buddy,” Dean sneered. “Calm down, we’re in public. Someone might see.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.  Castiel was hurt and confused. But mostly he was seething.

“Look, I get what you’re trying to do.  I’m not an idiot.  And if you think you’re going to make me the butt of your stupid fucking jokes, you’re wrong!” Every muscle in his body was constricted and his breaths were shallow and quick.  His pulse raced.

“What joke?  What are you talking about?” Dean’s gaze shifted beyond Castiel, he paused.  “Do you think—“

“Get out of my way.” The pain and humiliation was too much for him, Castiel would explode at any minute, if he didn’t get away right now.

“Or what?” The side of Dean’s mouth twitch as his eyes drifted steadily back to Castiel.  He stepped forward.  They were nose to nose now.

Castiel could smell Dean’s breath, sweet and minty. Castiel glanced at Dean’s mouth and his lips, Dean was licking his lips and they were glistening and plump.  He felt a little dizzy. Before he knew it, Dean’s fingers were running through his hair pulling his head in.  Dean’s lips were soft and velvety and moist against his.  He stood still, his heart thudding.  A tongue pushed its way into his mouth, controlled yet demanding.  And just as abruptly it was gone and so was Dean.

“You better be there tonight,” he said as he walked away from Castiel, who still had his mouth hanging open and was trying to catch his breath.

 In the end, Castiel decided to go to the party but it wasn’t because Dean told him to.  At least, that’s what he told himself.  No, he was going to go in order to confront Dean about everything once and for all.  Castiel planned out his speech in his head.  He rehearsed it through dinner, which was eaten in the cafeteria, alone, and his homework left, forgotten.  Afterwards, he took a shower and put on his best cologne and a tight-fitting polo that Anna had once complimented him on.  Gabriel and Anna walked in just as he was about to leave.

 “Where are you going?” Gabriel asked, his narrowed eyes trailing over Castiel with suspicion.  “I thought you were done with that stuff.”

“It’s just something I have to do,” Castiel shuddered at the thought of what the night would entail and his ruined future with Dean, if everything went according to his plan.  “I’ll be back soon.  I promise.”

“Okay.  We’ll be waiting for you.  Tonight is classic horror movie night,” apparently resigned, Gabriel ran his fingers through his hair, sighing.

Anna remained quiet throughout the exchange, a doleful expression on her face.  Castiel didn’t waste time trying to think about it.  Instead, he went outside and began walking briskly towards the house.  He ran into Sam a few minutes later.

“Castiel,” Sam jogged up to him. “Wait up!”

“Hello, Sam,” he mumbled without turning his head.  Castiel wasn’t in the mood for casual chatting.

“You’re going to the house right?  Let’s walk together.”

Castiel said nothing.  Sam seemed to take it as an affirmative.

“So how do you feel?”

“What?”  Castiel asked sharply.

“Last night?”  Sam hesitated.

“What do you mean?”  Castiel demanded.  He wondered if Sam knew.

“Uhh, you were really drunk.  I didn’t see you this morning at the house so--”

“Oh,” Castiel regained his composure, quickly realizing that Sam suspected nothing about what happened between him and Dean.  “I feel okay now.  Better.  I, uh, had some coffee.”

“Yeah, that helps.”  Sam’s face was strained, like he wanted to say something more but had decided against it.  _All the better_.  Castiel thought bitterly.  The rest of the walk consisted of Sam trying to make small talk by throwing question after question at Castiel, who gave half-hearted answers.

By the time they reached the door, Castiel felt faint again.  Did he really have the courage to stand up to Dean Winchester?  Luce, a blonde sophomore whom Castiel had seen only a few times before, answered the door.  The house was already packed with other people, most of them fraternity members or girls from one of the sororities on campus.  He scanned the crowd, looking for Dean.  He knew that he had to confront Dean quickly before he lost his nerve and the aid of the adrenaline coursing through his veins.  It was difficult to see every face in the crowded room and impossible to pick out any voices over the loud thumping of the bass coming from the stereo. 

 “Come on, Castiel,” Sam was pulling his arm.  “Let’s get some drinks.”

 Castiel allowed himself to be dragged into the kitchen, thinking he might find Dean inside.  He was immediately rewarded when he stepped through the swinging door after Sam and saw the back of Dean’s brown leather jacket.  Dean was leaning up against the wall, chatting to some girl whose face was obscured.  Flirting, Castiel could tell by the way the girl was giggling shyly.

Castiel ignored Sam who was now trying to hand him a beer and walked straight up to Dean.

 “Hello, Dean,” he said in his best neutral tone.  He glanced over at the girl Dean was talking to and did a double take.  “Ruby?”

“Hi Castiel,” she smiled at him.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded.  The smile dropped off Ruby’s face at Castiel’s angry words.

“I was looking for _you_.  I texted you about our project, like five times, you still haven’t answered.”

“Wow, Cas, it’s not very gentlemanly to keep a beautiful lady like this waiting.”  Dean smiled brilliantly at Ruby who smiled back, blushed and lowered her eyes.

 “Leave her out of this, Dean.”

“Out of what, Cas?” though Dean smiled, his face was seeping hostility. “I was just keeping her company while you were M-I-A and ignoring her texts.”

 Ruby squirmed into the corner, looking from Dean to Castiel and to the door. 

“What’s going on guys?”  Castiel looked behind him to see Sam standing there with a growing look of concern on his face.  Castiel had forgotten for a moment that Sam was even in the room and it seemed that Dean had as well.  Out of the corner of his eye, Castiel saw Sam look at Ruby, who, eyes wide, shook her head.

“Um, have you ever been here before, Ruby?” she shook her head at Sam.  “Why don’t I give you the tour?” 

She practically ran over to him to get away from the feuding boys who were still glaring at each other.

“We need to talk,” Castiel said as soon as they had left.

“Fine,” Dean countered, just as a loud group of partiers entered the kitchen.

“Privately,” Castiel enunciated, lowering his voice.

“Fine,” Dean said again, his grin returning even as a deeper blackness eclipsed his shadowed face.  He led Castiel up the back staircase, just off of the kitchen and to the third floor, to his room.

It was small, with bunk beds made up with identical blue blankets pushed to one wall and two desks on opposite walls.  It was mostly bare, much more impersonal that Castiel would have expected.  As soon as he had walked in, Dean closed the door and locked it behind him.  With the click of the lock, Castiel’s stomach lurched.

“You lied to me,” Castiel managed to get out despite his growing anxiety.

“What? When?” Dean sounded confused.

“You tricked me!  You told me that it was a part of the initiation.  You lied to me.”

“Huh?  Is that what you’re mad about?  You know you wanted it.  I was doing you a favor.”  Dean paused, eyes growing wide.  “Did you tell someone?”

“Excuse me?” Castiel’s indignation and anger were rising again.  “You told me I had to do it.  You knew how badly I wanted to be in this fraternity!”

“Are you serious?”  Dean frowned.  “I saw you staring at me, in class, at lunch, at the _gym—_ do you even work out? _\--_ for weeks.  You think I didn’t notice?  You followed me around like a lost little puppy until finally you showed up at the door step of this house to pledge.  Now, _who_ did you tell?”

“Wha--?” Castiel was speechless, though he wanted to deny it, deny everything, but he knew that what Dean said was true.  But still, so what, that didn’t mean he was _stalking_ him.  Sure he was extremely interested in him.  But, well, he had never thought that Dean would notice.  He certainly hadn’t expected him to, and to _like_ it?    
  
“I thought I could trust you, Cas.  I guess I was wrong,” Dean’s eyes were dangerously dark in the dimly lit room.  
  
“I didn’t tell anyone, Dean,” Castiel responded, finding his voice.

 “Oh, okay.”  Dean’s face softened as did his shoulders.  He glanced to his left at the open window.  “Good.”

“What are you doing?”  Castiel demanded.  He was as angry as he was embarrassed.

 Dean had closed the window and was drawing the curtains.  He looked back over his shoulder to Cas.  “Shutting the window.”

Castiel paused and furrowed his brow.  “Why?”

“Privacy,” Dean smirked but as he reached out, Castiel could see his hands were trembling.  They were soft and warm against Castiel’s skin.  Dean’s voice softened.  “Look, I’ve been thinking about you non-stop.  We don’t have to fight anymore.  Come on.”

“Wait!”  Castiel pulled away, he needed to know more.  He wanted to understand.  But Dean grabbed him again and this time pressed into him as their lips met.  Castiel wavered at the warmth spreading through him at Dean’s touch and kissed him back.  Castiel laced his fingers through Dean’s soft hair as their bodies pressed against each other.  Dean forced him backwards, until the back of Castiel’s legs hit the side of the bed. 

Castiel grappled with the back of Dean’s t-shirt as they fell backwards onto the bed.  Castiel was could feel his careful control slipping away.  Dean’s hips ground into his, sending shivers down Castiel’s spine.  He pressed back.  They were lying on the bed, rolling back and forth fighting for dominance.  Warmth was building inside him as he wrapped his legs around the other man, pulling him closer all the while fighting for friction.  He could feel Dean’s member hard and ready as he crushed into him. Then suddenly, Dean stopped. He sat up and began unbuttoning Castiel’s pants.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked, suddenly flaccid.

“Taking off your pants,” Dean answered as if it were obvious.

“Well, stop.”

“Cas?  Come on,” Dean looked confused.  “Isn’t this what you want?” The same exact words Dean had used before reminded Castiel of the reason he had come to the party in the first place.  He had no intention of being Dean’s secret play toy.  Though even the flicker of the thought passing through his mind send a thrill of excitement through his body.  He had to act before he lost control of himself again.

“Get off me!”  Castiel snarled, while pushing Dean off of him.  Castiel ran to the door, slammed it behind himself and was halfway down the stairs so quickly that he didn’t hear Dean’s response.  Everything Dean had said about him was true.  Castiel had wanted, _still_ wanted, Dean.  Then why did he feel like the deer, sprinting through the wood?  And why did he want to run back?

By the time he was back at his dorm, he was out of breath and panting.  Gabriel and Anna were still up, watching _Nosferatu_.  Anna threw her bowl of popcorn up in the air and let out a small yelp when Castiel barged into the room and accidentally made the door slam into the wall.

“Sorry,” Castiel said, clearing his throat.  He immediately began helping her pick up the mess.

“So how did it go?”  Gabe asked after the popcorn was finally picked up.

“Terrible,” he paused. “Ruby was there.”

“Ruby was there?  What was she doing there?”  Anna demanded.

“Waiting for me, I guess.  Or flirting with Dean, depending on who you ask.”  Castiel couldn’t seem to erase the malevolence from his voice.

“What?  What happened?  What’s going on with you and Dean?”  Anna asked, clearly troubled.  Castiel looked at the carpet.  The design had suddenly become very intriguing.  He cleared his throat again.

“I can hear you guys mouthing to each other.  Just say it out loud.”

“Castiel, are you okay?”  Anna’s voice was dripping with concern.  “I mean really. . .”

“We know something is going on.  Please, just tell us what it is!” Gabriel interrupted.

“I want to.”  Castiel looked up into their eager faces and then looked down again.  “I’m just so ashamed.”

“Castiel, you can tell me anything,” Gabriel said seriously.

“We won’t judge you,” Anna added.  Castiel sighed.  He knew they were right but still, it almost felt more like he was talking about it for their benefit than his own.

“The other night, when I went down to the Delta Sigma house, Dean was waiting for me.  He told me that, um,” he paused, closing his eyes.  “That it was a secret initiation ritual...but it wasn’t really.”

“What did he do?”  Gabriel’s voice was quiet with anger.  Anna sat still, eyes wide and head nodding encouragingly.

“Nothing.”  Castiel faltered.  Maybe, he was wrong to think that they would ever understand.

“Cas-" Anna began.

He shook his head.  “Look.  I just want to forget about it, okay?”

“How are you going to forget about it when you’re living together?”  Gabriel asked but Castiel ignored the question and continued to stare at the ground.  Gabriel looked like he wanted to say more but Anna threw him a look that said _shut it_.  Gabriel obliged.

Eventually, they decided to finish watching the movie together but no one was really into it.  Castiel stared at the screen unblinking, but inside he was picturing Dean, dripping wet and lying in the sun.   _Why did he have to be such a jerk?_  Castiel thought.

After the movie Anna and Gabriel did SNL skit re-enactments for what seemed like a lifetime.  He had the feeling they were purposely extending the night, maybe thinking it would make him somehow feel better.  He only felt worse the harder they tried.  He had abandoned them, been extremely rude and now they were the ones trying to cheer him up for something that was his own fault.  It was more than he could take.  As soon as Anna left, he crawled into bed. 

“Going to sleep?”  Gabriel asked.

“Yes,” Castiel lied.  He closed his eyes but instead of sleeping he lay still, imagining the things he could have done differently and the ways it would have improved his night.

 

xxx

_The only light in the room came from the half-moon shining through the open window, allowing him to just make out the figure approaching his bed.  He closed his eyes and pretended to be sleeping but it didn’t help. He willed himself smaller, invisible, anything, anywhere but here._

_“Please,” he begged._

_A hand firmly gripped his throat as his eyes opened._

“Castiel.  It’s just me.”  Gabriel was staring down at him.  Castiel was lying in his bed in his college dorm room.  He was nineteen years old.  Those hands were long gone,  Castiel reminded himself. “Nightmares, again?”

“It’s nothing,” Castiel lied.

“You were screaming.  You probably woke up half the building.”  Gabe looked weary.  Castiel looked at the clock.  It was only 5:30, much earlier than he or Gabe usually got up.

“I’m sorry, Gabriel,” Castiel got out of bed and began to dress.  “Why don’t you go back to sleep, I’m going to get some coffee and clear my head.”

Castiel took a deep breath of the fresh spring air.  It smelled of earth and water and freshness.  He crossed his arms and rubbed them up and down as if he was still brushing off the cold hands from the dream.  He decided to go to the small café just near the library, thinking he could study for a bit, maybe get his mind off of things.

He was considering whether he would get a latte or a regular coffee, when he caught sight of the gym.  He wondered if Dean was in there, right now, working out.  It had been two weeks since the night of the party and the last time that he’d seen Dean. 

It hadn’t been that hard, at first.  Dean had called him a few times before Castiel contacted the phone company and had his number blocked.  They didn’t have any classes together and Castiel had given up using the library.  But he was running low on acceptable excuses as to why he no longer showed up to any of the parties at the house and why he hadn’t moved in yet.  Finally, one night last week, he had received a text message from an unknown number.   _Cas, can we talk?_  He knew it was from Dean.  Resolutely, he deleted it without replying. 

 Still, when Castiel closed his eyes he pictured the way Dean rubbed his fingers through his hair absently as he leaned against the front porch rail.  Castiel felt like he was in withdrawal.   _One look couldn’t hurt,_ he thought as walked across the sidewalk to get closer to the huge windows that covered the front of the gym building.  Castiel walked slowly as he tried to peer inside as discreetly as possible.  It was mostly deserted except for a few stragglers here and there.  He was about to give up when he saw Dean, wearing a tight beater and gym shorts, walk out of the locker room door, facing Castiel and located very near the window.  Castiel looked away but not quickly enough.  He knew that Dean had seen him, and worse, had seen Castiel looking at him.

Castiel sped walked so fast to the café that he was nearly running. 

“One large vanilla latte,” he said to the barista.

“For here or to go?”  He stared at her while he considered which option was least likely to cause him to run into Dean.

“Uhh—“

“There are others waiting,” she said, obviously annoyed.  Castiel looked behind him.  There was no one there.

“Uh, for here.  I guess,” he said finally.  He took his coffee to a seat in the farthest corner of the café, which also happened to be located behind a large fake potted plant.  From there, Castiel watched as Dean, still in his workout clothes, walked by the glass front door.  Castiel cowered behind the plant, willing himself invisible.  Maybe if he hid here long enough, Dean would just give up and go home.

But a few moments later the tiny bell rang loudly as the door to the café was whipped open by an out of breath Dean, who immediately saw Castiel and marched right up to him.  “You’re avoiding me.”

“Yes,” Castiel responded defiantly.

“What are you doing?”

“Drinking coffee.”

“Come back to the gym with me.  You can drink that shit later.”

“Um, _no_ ,” Castiel said, appalled.

“Why not?”

Castiel had about a million reasons why not that were much better but for some reason he blurted out; “Because I don’t have a change of clothes!”

“It’s your lucky day,” Dean replied casually. “I have some extras in my gym bag.”

Castiel, tired of fighting, confused and just plain old tired, resigned himself to following Dean back to the gym.  In the locker room, Dean handed Castiel a t-shirt and shorts then leaned up against the lockers with his arms folded, waiting.

Castiel cleared his throat.

“I’m waiting,” Dean said.

“Are you going to watch me undress?” Castiel asked, indignant.

“I’d like to,” Dean replied smirking.

Castiel looked around the locker room.

“Relax.  It’s just me and you.  No one works out this early on the weekends.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Castiel spotted the bathroom stalls and he quickly headed over to them.  Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Dean rolling his eyes.  When he was done changing, Dean led him into the gym.  Dean was right; they nearly had the place to themselves.  Except for a few girls on the treadmills, Dean and Castiel were the only people in there.

First, Dean handed him weights and made him do bicep curls.  Then they took turns doing pull-ups. Castiel had trouble even doing a few, and Dean laughed at his efforts.  When it was Dean’s turn, he did them with his hands stretched out to the ends of the bar.  Castiel was sure that Dean was just showing off.  Then, Dean led him to the treadmill and Castiel smiled.   _Finally_ , something Castiel excelled at.  He would beat Dean at running.

They had only been running for about ten minutes when Dean tapped his shoulder.  “Want to call it a day?”

Castiel turned off his treadmill, regretfully.  “I could have gone much longer.”

“I’m sure you could have,” Dean responded, grinning

Castiel glared at him but followed him back to the locker room.  Once inside, Castiel realized that yet again, they were alone together.  He started for the stalls.

“No shower?” Dean asked.  He stepped closer to him.  Castiel could smell the mixture of sweat and scented soap radiating off of him.

“No, Dean,” Castiel replied firmly. “I can shower back at my dorm.”

“When are you moving into the house?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel said quietly.

“I convinced Luce to move into one of empty rooms with Sam.  So we could bunk together.”  Dean trailed his fingers along Castiel’s chest.  Dean was suddenly so close, practically whispering in Castiel’s ear.  “I want to be with you.”

“What?”  Castiel exhaled.  He felt his throat constricting.

“Please, come to the house tonight.”  Dean murmured.

“But,” Castiel shivered under the grasp of Dean’s trembling fingers, his mouth flopping open and closed. 

“Please.”  Dean’s voice cracked.

 “Okay. Fine.”  The words spilt out involuntarily, as Dean’s hands began making their way under Castiel’s shirt.  He slapped them away and stepped back, breathless.  “I’ll see you later.”

“You’re such a fucking tease!” Dean called to him as he walked away.

 

 

xxx

 

 

What was he _doing_? Castiel wasn’t even sure anymore. He wished he could go back in time and not go to the library that first day.  He wished he had never laid eyes on Dean.  And somewhere in his mind, he wished that he _had_ stayed that night or even this morning.  His mind was full, racing with possibilities and regrets.

When he got back to his room, Gabriel was dressed and awake. 

“What are you wearing?  You look like a Jersey Shore freak show.”

“They’re work-out clothes,” he replied guiltily.

“Whose work-out clothes?”  Gabriel asked a sudden edge in his voice.

Castiel cleared his throat and looked down.  His mind was already reeling from everything that had happened earlier.  He really did not want to fight with Gabriel right now.

“Were you hanging out with Dean?”  Gabriel asked, the question sounding more like an accusation.

“Yes,” Castiel said.  He quickly added:  “But it wasn’t on purpose.”

Gabriel shook his head.  “You told me you were done.  You said you weren’t going to go near him anymore.  And how could you after what he did to you?  After the way he’s treated you?”

“You don’t understand.” Castiel sighed.  “I tried to stop thinking about him. I just can’t.”

“No.  I _don’t_ understand.”  Gabriel stood up angrily.  “ _Him_? After everything we’ve been through.   _Him_?  After everything I’ve done for you?  Given up for you?  And you choose _him_ , Dean Winchester, some beer-guzzling, shallow, repressed asshole frat boy?”  His voice had risen to a pitch that was new to Castiel’s ears.

Castiel stared at Gabriel, slack-jawed.  He wasn’t sure if he could speak if he tried.  He wasn’t even sure what to think.  He understood that Gabriel was upset about the way Castiel had begun treating him once his obsession with Dean grew, but he hadn’t been expecting a big blow up.  He hated conflict; he hated fighting with his friends. 

“Please,” Castiel begged.  “Please, don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Castiel.  I could _never_ hate you,” Gabriel replied with contempt in his voice.  “Don’t you get it?”

Castiel shook his head. 

“You wouldn’t, of course.”  Gabriel sighed.  “I’m in love with you, Castiel.  Have been since the 8th grade.  I never expected you to return my feelings.  Even though, someday, I hoped you would.  Now, after everything, I have to watch you chase after some guy that treats you like shit.  I can’t do it anymore.  I just can’t.”

“But I thought you and Anna?” Castiel asked.  Suddenly, he felt like he had woken up in someone else’s life.

“We’re just friends.  Always have been.  And in case you didn’t notice, she has a _girlfriend_.”

“A girlfriend?  Who?”  Castiel asked.  He was beginning to feel disoriented.

“Ruby.  Hello?!  They have been together for almost a year now,” Gabriel replied.  His voice was plagued with deep annoyance.  It was clear that he was unhappy with the way Castiel was responding.  “I have to get out of here.  Don’t wait up for me.”

The door slammed behind Gabriel.  Castiel didn’t want to think about what had just happened.  So, he took a shower.  He studied.  He cleaned out his desk.

His cell phone dinged.  A text appeared on the screen.  _We need to talk._

Another unknown number.  He ignored it. 

His phone rang.

He blasted some tunes. 

xxx

By 10 o’clock, Castiel was halfway through reorganizing his closet when he heard the knock.  He froze.  He debated whether or not he should get in his closet and hide until the knocker left.  The knocking became more urgent. 

“Fine,” he muttered, opening the door.  It was Sam.  That was not expected.  He looked at him questioningly.

“Castiel, is he here?”  Sam looked anxious.

“Who?“  Castiel asked.

“Dean?”  Sam was trying to look behind him into the room.

“No.  He’s not here.  What is going on?”  Castiel creased his forehead.

“Err… something’s happened.  It’s Dean.”

“What?”  Castiel felt his gut clench.

“He’s missing and I,” Sam looked away.  “I think he’s upset.  Like, _really_ upset.”

“Should we call the police?  Wait, how do you know he’s missing?”  Castiel asked quickly.

“I don’t think they’ll do anything; it hasn’t been that long,”  Sam said.

“Okay, I’ll grab my coat.”

After they’d been walking around campus for a while with no luck and checked inside the gym twice, Castiel asked Sam about the others.

“What do you mean?”  Sam replied.

“You know, the other guys, aren’t they looking for Dean?”

“Um, no, Castiel.  Just me and you.”

“Why?”  He stopped walking.

“This probably isn’t the best place to discuss this.”  Sam looked around nervously.

“Why not?”  Castiel asked, the suspicion in his voice growing.  Sam’s eyes darted back and forth.

“The café; I need a coffee.”  Sam pushed in the door.  Castiel followed him cautiously and then sat down next to Sam when Sam chose the table farthest from anything, not that there were many people there at that time.

“Dean was upset because, well the other guys, they, um, they said some things about you know, you and him,”  Sam said in a hushed tone.

“What about us?”  Castiel asked.

“Well, you know.”  Sam looked extremely uncomfortable.  “Like, about the two of you.”

“I don’t understand,” Castiel said.

“About your _relationship_ ,” he said.

“What? What relationship?“ Castiel said a little too quickly.  “I don’t even like him.”   _Anymore_. Castiel added in his head.

“Are you serious?”  Sam asked, bewildered.

“Just tell me what happened,” Castiel said.  “Please.”

“They were, um, teasing him, and it went too far.”

“Teasing him,” Castiel repeated flatly.

“Well, yeah, and there was a bit of a scuffle and well, Dean just took off before anyone could stop him.”  Sam looked away guiltily.

“Oh,” Castiel said calmly but his head was a storm of conflicting emotions and painful memories, scars too deep to ever be forgotten.

“Listen, I--” Sam began.

“Sam,” Castiel interrupted.  “It’s okay.  I have an idea of where to find him.”

“Okay, great. Let’s go,” Sam said.

“I think I should go alone,” Castiel said.

“Okay. If you think that’s best.”  Sam said his tone unsure.

“I do.”

 

xxx

 

Castiel left the café and headed toward the fraternity house.  In less than fifteen minutes, he was sneaking through the backyard and towards the subtle path through the woods that Dean had shown him weeks ago.  Once Castiel was well into the trees, he realized just how dark the night was without streetlights or the moon.  He cursed himself for not bringing a flashlight and prayed that he didn’t fall to far from the path, or off any steep cliffs.

The woods were not silent as Castiel would have expected.  Instead a chorus of cicadas and eerily cheerful bird calls filled the night.  It made him uneasy.  He could barely make out the gray outlines on the trees right in front of him and apparently the woods were filled to the brim with all kinds of creatures, moving about in the darkness. 

Castiel knew that he must be close, once he heard the sound of the rushing water.  He looked up and saw a silhouette a few yards away.

“Dean!” he called out.

“Go home, Cas,” the man said though he did not move to acknowledge him.

“No,” Castiel replied as he walked closer to Dean.

“Get away from me,” Dean replied, apathetic.  Castiel was just a few feet away now and he could see the slight shadow over his right eye, the abnormal size of his bottom lip, barely noticeable in the dim starlight.

“Dean,” Castiel reached out to him.

“I said get away!” he yelled and stepped of Castiel’s reach, sending some dirt and rocks flying.  Hearing the distant splash below, Castiel looked down.  They were not far from the place where Dean had launched himself into the water laughing, just a few weeks earlier.  They were very close to the edge of a steep precipice.  Dean, in fact, was only inches away.  But below them was not the deep pool caused by the waterfall, but rather the shallow stream leaving the pool, which flowed swiftly through jagged boulders.

 “Dean, you are very close to the edge.  Please, come over here so we can talk safely,” Castiel spoke slowly, carefully.

 “I don’t want to talk,” Dean said.

“That’s not what you said earlier,” Castiel spoke softly.

“I changed my mind,” Dean replied,

“Dean,” Castiel paused, unsure of what to say.  “Please, just come away from there. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Don’t lie to me!  You don’t give a _shit_ about me,” he spat out vehemently.

“That’s not true!” Castiel said indignantly.  “And that’s not what you seemed to think this morning.  Is it?”

“I didn’t care then.  I forgot.” Dean shook his head.  “But that doesn’t change the truth and you don’t have to stand there and pretend like you care, pretend like you give a shit about me.  Just _go_ _home_.”

“Dean.  No.” Castiel knew that he needed to be patient.  Castiel took a deep breath and exhaled.  “You told me you wanted to be with me.  Then please come over here and we can talk about it.”

Dean’s laugh was bizarre and forced and the awkward sound of it hit Castiel right in the gut.  “You know I heard you that day, that day that we came here.”

“What?” Castiel asked, confused.

“You said I was disgusting,” Dean continued.  “That nothing could be worse.”

“I said no such thing!” Castiel said, his anger rising.  That was the day he had discovered that Dean had manipulated him, tricked him and used him.  Realization hit him.  “You’re twisting my words around.”

“But it’s what you thought.”

“No, it isn’t.  You’re the one who was playing games with me.  I had no idea what was going on in your mind.  I only know what you told me.  And you didn’t tell me the truth!” Castiel clenched his fists at his sides.  “So you don’t get to be mad about it.  You _used_ me.”

“I didn’t mean to.  But I know, I-- I’m a terrible person.  I am disgusting.  You were right, Cas,” Dean said, hanging his head.

“I never said that.  Dean.  Please, listen to me,” Castiel, his anger dissipating into pity once again, succumbed to the urge to wrap his arms around Dean.  He reached out but Dean shouted and jumped back.

“No!” Dean’s foot stepped back onto a loose rock.  His weight was just enough force to knock it free.  Dean stumbled backwards, his arms reaching out for Castiel as he fell over the ridge.

“Dean!” Castiel lunged forward, grabbing air.  Castiel fell to the ground and looked over the edge.

“Cas!” Dean was barely hanging on to the thick root that was protruding from the rock face several feet down.  “Cas!”

Castiel had to get help, but _how?_   It took thirty minutes or longer to walk up here in the dark.  If Castiel ran back it would be faster, but what if he got lost?  What if Dean let go?  Castiel took a deep breath and tried not to think about the force with which Dean’s body would hit the churning brook below.  He tried not to look past Dean’s face at all as he reached down, his fingertips well above the gnarled root that Dean was barely grasping.

“I should go for help,” Castiel looked again at the earth below and tried to calm his breathing as he fought the bile rising in his throat.

“No!  Don’t leave me!” Dean’s eyes were wild with fear.  Castiel swallowed resolutely.

“Okay.  I won’t.  Can you reach up?” Castiel called down.  Dean let one hand free experimentally and tried to reach up, his body swaying dangerously, but he couldn’t seem to reach any further.  In fact it looked like Dean was barely able to regain a hold in the same spot he started.

“I can’t do it!” Dean cried out.

Castiel reached out further, dragging his body dangerously over the edge, one hand gripping the rocky ledge.  “Grab on!”

Dean reached out to his hand, swinging it wildly in his attempt to keep a hold of the root with only one hand.  Castiel grabbed Dean’s free hand and gripped firmly. 

“Your other hand,” Castiel called down.  Dean let go of the ledge, swaying in the darkness, and reached up, clasping his other hand around Castiel’s wrist.  Castiel instantly felt the weight of Dean’s body threatening to pull him over the side.  Castiel’s grip on the ledge was dubious at best.

Castiel tried to shift his weight to his knees.  He dug his toes in the ground. He felt his grasp on the ledge slipping further. He pulled harder.

“Cas!” Dean shouted.  Castiel pulled his body away from the edge with every muscle, with every fiber and ounce of energy in his body.  Adrenaline coursed through Castiel’s veins as he strained painfully.  He felt the give as his body moved back from the ledge and yanked even harder until Dean’s upper torso was fully on the ground.  Dean let go of one of his hands and pulled himself up the rest of the way and then immediately collapsed next to Castiel.

They laid there, staring up into the night sky, panting for several minutes before Dean let out a sudden giddy laugh.  Soon, Castiel had joined him and they were both shaking with hysterical laughter.  After a while, it slowed down until they both were just grinning.  Finally Castiel spoke: “You’re still holding my hand.”

“You don’t want me to?  Fine,” Dean said, trying to yank his hand away but Castiel kept a firm grip.

“Don’t.” Castiel turned to look at Dean, their faces inches apart.  Dean was looking at Castiel, staring right into him, like he always did.  Castiel, heart hammering, leaned in and kissed Dean softly, sweetly.  He could feel Dean yielding under him, and Castiel reached to the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him closer, kissing him deeper. At first he cautiously explored the salty-sweet way Dean tasted, then grew more urgent as the fever inside him began to grow.  When Castiel finally pulled away, they were out of breath and panting again.

“Dean,” Castiel whispered. ”I want to continue this, but first, can we please just move away from the side of this cliff?”  

“I’m right there with you.” Dean stood up.  He helped Castiel up, smiling.  “Is there someplace you had in mind?  I mean, I can’t go back--”

“Why don’t you come back to my dorm room?” Castiel offered.

“What about your roommate?” Dean asked.

“I don’t think he’s there,” Castiel said, hoping it was true and at the same time feeling a bit ill at the thought of another confrontation with Gabriel.

“Okay,” Dean nodded.  They walked quickly and silently through the darkness, pausing once the trail opened into the backyard of the fraternity house.  The lights were still on and the loud beat of the bass could be heard vibrating through the closed windows.

“Come on,” Castiel said, motioning towards the narrow opening between the two houses.

Dean hesitated, glancing at the fraternity house several yards away, before following Castiel through the pathway and out into the street, walking much faster than was really necessary.  Castiel had to jog to catch up to him.  They continued at a brisk pace to Castiel’s dorm room.

xxx

 

“Well, here we are,” Castiel said as they walked inside his room.  It was dark and empty.  Castiel flipped on the light and glanced at his desk.  A note was lying there.  He quickly read it.

_I’m sorry about how I acted earlier. I was out of line. You ~~didn’t~~ don’t deserve that.  I know what it’s like to have someone stuck inside your head and wish that you could get them out.  I just mean, I understand and I’m not mad anymore.  I hope you aren’t either, but I need some time away from you.  I’m staying at Anna’s for a few days.  Then, I hope we can talk.  You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you._

_-Gabe_

Castiel set down the paper, feeling a combination of relief and guilt.

Dean had shut the door and was now looking at himself in the mirror hanging on the back of it.  In the absence of the gray veil the dark forest had offered, in the harsh florescent lighting of the room, the grotesque distortion and deep plum color under Dean’s left eye became more obvious.  His slightly swollen lip looked normal in comparison.

“Looks bad huh?” Dean had noticed him start.  “You should see the other guy.”

“It doesn’t look too bad,” Castiel offered.

“Don’t lie to me,” Dean said.

“Fine.  It looks like someone hit you in the face.  Who was it by the way?” Castiel asked.

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it,” he replied, his voice sour.

“Come on.  I just saved you from an untimely death and you aren’t even going to tell me what happened?” Castiel raised his eyebrows.  Even though something in Dean’s voice made Castiel hesitate, he couldn’t stop himself from pressing.

“I wasn’t trying to jump,” Dean grumbled.  “Just so you know.  I was just, just thinking.”

“What are you going to do?”  Castiel asked.  Then, continued when Dean ignored him: “You’ll have to go back there eventually.  You live there.”

“I know that.  You’re supposed to live there with me!” It sounded like an accusation.

“Well good thing I don’t.  Or you wouldn’t have had any place to go,” Castiel said shortly.

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Dean sighed.

“I don’t know _what_ you know, Dean,” Castiel replied, his annoyance growing.  “One minute you’re begging me to stay with you and the next you act like it’s nothing.”

“Well I do know that I don’t need to take this shit from you too.  I’m out of here.” Dean stood up and began walking towards the door but Castiel grabbed his shoulder brusquely, fingers digging into Dean’s shirt.

“No.” Castiel pulled Dean around to face him.

“I’m sorry Cas.  I’m not like you.  I can’t—” Dean looked down refusing to meet Castiel’s eyes.

“No.  You are not leaving.  Not now.” Castiel tightened his grip on Dean, digging his fingernails into the cloth of Dean’s shirt.

“Watch me,” Dean snarled as he pulled out from Castiel’s grasp and stepped back.  Castiel was quick, though.  He felt almost outside himself as he caught the front of Dean’s shirt in his hands and in one quick motion pulled Dean across the room, throwing him down onto the small bed.  Immediately, Castiel was on Dean, pushing Dean’s arms over his head, down, into the mattress. Dean bucked and thrashed under him.

“Don’t squirm,” Castiel said in a ragged voice that sounded unlike his own.

“Cas,” Dean whispered harshly through gritted teeth, glaring at Castiel, but Dean made no real attempt to stop him.  Castiel leaned down and kissed him violently, and Dean returned the kiss with fevered passion.

“Admit it,” Castiel murmured, as he pulled away.

“Admit what?”  Dean breathed.

“That you want me.” Castiel began trailing kisses down Dean’s neck, stopping just at the crook where neck and shoulder meet to bite down.  Underneath him, Dean writhed, eye’s half lidded, sighing in agreement.

“Say it,” Castiel demanded, pressing their bodies closer.  “I want to hear you say it.”

Dean looked up at Castiel, chest heaving, his clear green eyes burning and searing right through Castiel. “I want you, Cas.  Please.”

Castiel could only respond with a kiss.  His entire body was ablaze and every touch, every sound only burned him deeper.  Castiel only knew that he wanted to be closer to the source.  He wanted more.  He wanted _Dean_.  Castiel shivered as Dean again rutted up against him, and moaned softly into his ear.

“Now, Dean, it’s time for your initiation,” Castiel murmured as he got up on his knees, still holding down Dean’s wrists together with one hand.  With the other, he unbuttoned his jeans.

“Cas—“Dean’s eyes were wide, but the corners of his parted lips hinted at a smile.  Castiel paused, licked his lips as he took it all in.  He wanted to memorize Dean’s face in that moment, forever emblazon it in his mind.

Then Castiel moved, kneeling over Dean and pulling down his pants and boxers, revealing his dripping cock. 

“Lick it,” Castiel commanded.

Dean leaned forward and traced his tongue up and down the shaft and then across the tip, lapping up the droplets of precome there.  Then, Dean opened mouth slightly and sucked the throbbing dick into his mouth.  Suddenly, engulfed in warmth, Castiel moaned and shifted, bracing himself against the wall, awkwardly.  Dean used his newly freed hands to grab Castiel’ ass and pull him in closer, deeper.  Again and again, he moved up and down Castiel’s length with unrivaled vigor.

Castiel felt himself spinning out of control as that familiar fluttering built up in his gut.  He could give in right now but he didn’t want to.  He reached down and touched Dean’s cheek.

“Wait.”  Castiel said pulling himself away.  Dean was panting, his eyes half-open and looking up at him.

“Cas?”  Castiel reached down, unzipping Dean’s jeans then he stood up off of the bed and yanked Dean’s jeans down in one quick motion, causing Dean to let out a startled yelp.

“Turn around.” Castiel was exhilarated.  He had never felt like this before, hungry, powerful and wanting all at the same time.  And Dean, he wanted him.  Castiel knew that now.  He could see it.  He could _feel_ it.

“Cas,” Dean breathed, nodding and speaking between big gasps of air.  “Yes, I will.  I want to.  But, do you have any--”

“Yes,” Castiel said. He reached for his night stand drawer and retrieved a small bottle of lube. Slicking up his fingers and went to work on Dean, who was already pushing back onto his fingers.  Flushing, Castiel grabbed his shoulder and held him in place, taking back control.

“Cas—please,” Dean said through ragged moans, reaching back to grab Castiel’s wrist.  “Please, I want you inside me.”  Castiel couldn’t wait anymore.  Suddenly, he was on top of Dean, pushing inside him.  He heard Dean cry out in encouragement, and Castiel’s desire overpowered him, his nails hooked into Dean’s hips, pulling him closer, deeper.  With a ferocity that surprised himself, he slammed into Dean until Dean was bucking beneath him, bringing Castiel closer and closer to the edge. Until, he was there, shuddering with pleasure. He gripped Dean’s cock and thrust rapidly, until Dean convulsed, letting out a languid moan as hot liquid spilled over Castiel’s knuckles. 

They stayed like that for a few moments, catching their breath.  Dean turned and kissed him.  As Dean pulled away, he actually smiled, a true smile, and in that moment he looked fresh, young and innocent.  And as he stared at him, Castiel felt that persistent pull at his insides.  Dean cleared his throat.

“That wasn’t what I was expecting,” Dean said.

“Was that your first time?” Castiel asked, guilt washing over him again.

“No, was it yours?” Dean asked.

Castiel hesitated. “No.” _Not exactly_. But he had already decided not to think about that. He smiled at Dean, but it must have come out awkwardly or Dean had just sensed the change in him. As if he stared into Castiel and he could see him clearly.

“What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean frowned.  His eyes were ablaze, fixated on Castiel, who thought he might melt away at any moment.

“Nothing’s wrong. Is it?” Castiel felt frantic as he tried so hard to shove those old memories down and focus on what was happening right now, on Dean.

“Are you. . .upset?” Dean face was suddenly twisted, darkness threatening to rise up. “About what we did?”

“What? No! Of course not!” Castiel spoke desperately, with each word tumbling out of his mouth, he could see Dean’s face grow colder, harder.  “Wait.  Are. . .you?”

“I wasn’t,” he said simply.

“But you are now then?” Castiel bit his lip, expecting the worst.

“I guess not,” Dean softened, but only a bit.  “If you’re not?”

“I’m not,” Castiel hesitated.  “I want all of you.  No more games.”

Dean bit his lip and smiled, gathering Castiel close and tasting him again, hands trailing across Castiel’s body.  Castiel allowed himself to be pulled in, reciprocating fervently. 

               

 

xxx

 

Castiel woke up to the sound of indignant knocking, which was growing ever louder.  Rubbing his eyes, he glanced next to him.  He couldn’t help the surprise followed by elation that coursed through him at the sight of Dean stirring next to him.  The night before had been surreal, and he certainly was in no rush to come down.

“Who is that?” Dean still had his face half pressed into the pillow and sounded like he would have liked to keep sleeping.

“No clue,” Castiel said.  He was curious as well.  It obviously wasn’t Gabriel, he had a key.  Maybe Sam had come back.  Castiel’s thoughts trailed off as he opened the door, to a total stranger.  A tall, older man with dark hair and eyes, in an expensive suit pushed his way past Castiel and into the room.

“Dean,” the man ignored Castiel and walked straight over to the bed where Dean, horrified, was frantically pulling the bed sheets around himself.

“Dad, please.  It’s not what it looks like!” Dean quivered under the thin fabrics. “I swear, I can explain!”

“I don’t need an explanation, son.  I can see now that this is my fault.  I was too lenient with you in the past.  Get yourself together.” The man glanced around the room with a look of utter disgust. “I’ll be outside.”

In a moment the man pushed by Castiel and was gone down the hall.  Castiel shut the door and ran to the bed, bombarding Dean with questions.  “What’s going on?  Is he mad?  Are you really leaving?”

“I have to.  My dad. . . he doesn’t…” Dean covered his face in his hands, letting out a long breath. “If I don’t, he’ll disown me.  He made me promise that I wouldn’t. . .”

Castiel blinked, trying to keep himself together.  “Wait, how did he know you were here?  Does this have to do with what happened last night?”

“Michael, that little snitch.” Dean had his back against the headboard, eyes looking up at the ceiling, seemingly resigned.

“But, why?”

“A lot of reasons, I guess.  He doesn’t like me.  He’s jealous,” Dean paused.  “He’s my cousin.  His dad left when he was a kid, four, maybe five years old.  He started spending so much time with us.  I used to think he was like the brother I never had. . .”

“I don’t understand.  What happened?”

“My dad chose me to leave the company to.  Even after Michael practically spent his entire teen years at that place, learning everything there is to know about it, tripping over himself to idolize my dad.  Now, he gets to hate me, like I wanted it?  He knew.” Dean’s eyes rolled up to the ceiling.  “He knew that this would set Dad off.  It had to be him who called him.”

“So your father is not a very accepting man.” Castiel had felt the warmth leave his body, little by little through each word Dean had spoken.  Now, he felt a familiar empty cold creeping through his insides.

“No, he’s not,” Dean replied. “He doesn’t approve of this sort of lifestyle.”

“Lifestyle?” Castiel repeated, eyebrows furrowed.

“You know what I mean.”

“Not really.  This is who I am.  I don’t get to pretend this never happened.  To put on a fake smile and run home to Daddy.”

“It’s not that simple, Cas.  Why don’t you get that?”

“But it _is,_ Dean.  Why do you think my own family doesn’t speak to me?  I didn’t have a choice, Dean.  They only needed a small excuse to hate me anyway.” Though he wanted to, at that moment Castiel couldn’t force his eyes away from Dean’s downturned face or his freckled bare shoulders.  His stomach churned unpleasantly inside him.  Something inside him felt that this would be the last time he would ever see Dean this way.  “Are you going to leave with him then?”

“I have to, Cas.” Dean looked at Castiel then.  His eyes were begging, pleading for understanding that Castiel just couldn’t give.  Castiel stared back coldly.

“I guess you should get going then.” He picked up Dean’s shirt and handed it to him.  Then stepped away, looking out the window.  He didn’t turn around when Dean came up behind him and touched his hips lightly, or when Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear that he would see him soon.   _Promise_.

But he didn’t see him soon.  Castiel had expected at the very least a text message later that day.  When he received nothing, he chalked it up to Dean being busy with his father.  He tried to study, but every time he opened the book he started visualizing Dean’s return, after defying his father and promising that they would be together, no matter what.  At the same time that tiny voice inside reminded him that Dean was a user and Castiel was the one who had just given up everything.  Not Dean.  _Maybe he’s just done with you_. 

Castiel tried to act unfazed.  He went to his classes.  He ate lunch. He tried to study (in the library).  By seven, he was aching to call Gabe, tell him everything and ask for advice, but that was out of the question.  By ten, he would have settled for anyone, just about, to discuss it with.  He forced himself to focus on sleep but he laid there, eyes closed, pulse racing as he imagined scenario after scenario, guiltily replaying the scene where he was giving Dean the cold shoulder, right before he walked out.

 By Friday, three days later, Castiel had still not heard one word from Dean.  Gabriel was still ignoring him and he had even tried to call Sam once but there was no answer and he didn’t call back.  He thought about calling Dean but he decided against it.  He kept flashing back to Dean calling him out on his stalker-ish behaviors and felt sick.  He also thought that if Dean’s father was still around, he would just order him not to answer and Castiel would end up making things worse for him.  Then, Dean really wouldn’t want to see him.

Castiel decided to go for a walk.  Somehow he found himself on the east side of campus, headed down the street Delta Sigma was on.  _There’s no harm in just walking by_ , he told himself.  _I’ll just peek over and see if he’s there_.  The music was loud enough to clearly hear every lyric and he could see the bustle of bodies moving inside through the open windows but he didn’t see any one he recognized. 

There was a row of medium height hedges between the frat house and the one next door.  Castiel quietly slipped between them and shimmied closer, nearer to the middle.  From there, he could see Dean’s window but it was completely dark.  He thought he saw movement.  He leaned closer, straining his eyes.   Then he heard muted voices, coming closer.  It was Michael and-- _Dean_.  Castiel ducked down quickly, cursing himself for his stupidity, praying that they would not find him. 

“You know that your father just wants what is best for you, don’t you, Dean?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  I said I wouldn’t see him anymore.  Why can’t you just drop it?”  Castiel flinched from his hiding place.  The venom oozing from Dean’s voice was nearly palpable.  Was Dean talking about him?

“It doesn’t suit you to sulk, Dean.  Why don’t you stop being selfish for once and think about your family.  You never seem to consider anyone else when you act, do you?”

“That’s not true,” Dean’s voice was small.

Michael sighed loudly.  “I’ll be inside.  Maybe when you have better control over yourself you can join us.”

Castiel’s mind raced.  Should he slink away and then later try to contact him?  Should he reveal himself and face the embarrassment and confront Dean while he had the chance?  He heard the back door slam and he knew that Michael was now inside.  This was his chance to get Dean alone.  He took a deep breath, and stood up slowly.  Dean was sitting on the wrought-iron bench, facing the house, directly in front of him.

“Dean?” Castiel climbed over the hedge, using the top of the bench as a step.  Dean fell out of his seat and jumped up at the sound of his name.

“Cas?”  Dean’s eyes were wide, his body twitching.  “What are you doing here?  Why are you in that bush?”

“It’s been days and you’re ignoring me,” Castiel said.  It sounded pathetic even to his own ears.

“I’m sorry.  My dad made me promise not to see you anymore.” 

“So you’ll listen to him right?  Because you’re a good little boy, aren’t you?  You do everything he asks of you.” He wanted to be angry but what came out was only bitterness.  He hated himself and how desperate he sounded.

“I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel touched Dean’s arm gently but Dean averted his eyes.  

“Please.  Just think this through.  You can do things for yourself.  You don’t have to follow every order your father gives you,” Castiel was begging him.  Oh god.  How had it come to this?  And yet he couldn’t stop himself.  “Dean, please.  Just look at me.  At least, just look at me.”

“No,” he pulled his arm away.  “You should leave, before anyone sees you.”

Castiel couldn’t believe this was happening.  All of that fighting, all of that hiding to keep himself away from Dean and the instant he gives in, this is what happens?

“You told me you wanted to be with me,” he found himself saying, rather loudly, through gritted teeth.

“Just go.  Please.” Dean pushed Castiel back toward the road.

“No!” Castiel tried to think, tried to reason.  He knew that he should just go.  That he should just leave this all behind and forget about this lost cause but he couldn’t quell the anger and the swelling urge to fight.  “You lied to me again.  You have done nothing but manipulate and use me.”

“I did no—“ Dean stopped mid sentence when the screen door slammed back into the doorframe.  Michael, Luce and Uriel stepped down from the porch. 

“What is going on here?”  Michael asked.

“Nothing,” Dean replied.

“What are you doing here, Castiel?”

“I’m just talking to Dean.” Castiel looked from face to face as the three other men came closer, surrounding him.

“You’re not welcome here.”

“I am a member of this fraternity.  I have every right to be here.” Castiel glanced nervously at Dean, but he was looking out into the woods, as if none of them were even there.

“You have missed every house meeting for the past month.  You have not shown up for one game night since you were initiated.  These are all causes for having your membership terminated.  We decided it earlier this week, at the house meeting, actually.”

“Oh.” Castiel glanced around again, nervously.  Uriel’s face was twisted in a cruel grin.  Luce was smiling as well, his eyes cold and dark.  Michael remained expressionless.  Castiel summoned his courage.  “If Dean wants to talk to me then you can’t stop us.”

“I don’t.” Dean was still staring into the distance, frozen.  “I don’t want to talk to you, Castiel.”

Castiel flinched at the sound of his full name coming from Dean’s lips, for the first time.  He’d always just been ‘Cas’ to Dean.  Until now.  “Yes, you do.  Please, you owe me that much.  I deserve an explanation.”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

“But I saved your life.  You were—“

“No.” Dean swung his head back to face Castiel, eyes locked into his, burning, dark.

“But you started this,” Castiel growled in indignation.

“No. I didn’t.”

“I told you to stop, you came look—“

“Just stop talking!” Dean was shaking. His muscles were tense.

Castiel looked around himself once more and realized suddenly that he was surrounded by very angry, very large men and had no allies, apparently.  No friends.  He swallowed, trying to push down his fear.

“Okay.  I guess we can talk later then.” Castiel backed up, forgetting that the bench was right behind him and tripped, falling into it in a seated position.  Dean looked away again.  The three other men advanced on him.  “I’m leaving. Okay?”

Castiel stood up and started forward but two arms grabbed his right arm, holding him in place.  He looked up into Luce’s leering grin just as Uriel grabbed his other arm.  Castiel pulled.  “I’m leaving. I’ll go.”

“It’s too late for that now,” Michael said as he drew nearer.  “Now, we have to teach you a lesson.”

“No!” Heart pounding, Castiel thrashed in their vice like grip, getting nowhere.  He dug his heels into the ground for more leverage but they were too strong.  Dean stood in the background, still refusing to meet Castiel’s eyes, his expression unreadable when Michael threw his fist into Castiel’s gut.

 xxx Epilogue xxx

 

When they had had enough they carried Castiel to the end of the block and dumped him there. He laid there for a while, in a daze, still thinking. He could still see Dean turning away from him when Castiel needed him the most, before he gathered the strength to walk home.  Once he got there he called Anna, who of course told Gabe and Ruby and within an hour all three of them were sitting on his bed surrounding him, offering chocolates, water, icepacks and hugs.

Castiel didn’t tell them what happened, no matter how much they bugged him to.  For the next two years, he avoided east campus and the gym and any place else that Dean or his friends might be.  He was careful, but nobody is perfect.  He didn’t see Dean again, but sometimes he caught sight of one the others and it was just as painful, walking down the sidewalk or in line to get food, usually from enough distance that he could change his course so as not to meet them.  Sometimes not.  Those few times, he had held his breath as he brushed by them, though they didn’t even seem to notice him.  

They were still the most popular fraternity on campus.  Their house, the place where all the good parties happened and all the people who mattered were on the weekends.  Inadvertently, Castiel heard all the rumors and gossip about Dean and the others, none of which included what had happened between Dean and himself.  About which, Castiel felt as bitter as he was relieved.  When he learned of Dean’s new relationship with Lisa Braeden, he laughed.  Inside, he wanted to cry.

He and Gabriel spent as much time together as always but things gradually changed.  Gabriel started going out on dates.  Castiel realized that Gabe was changing.  He treated Castiel differently, not poorly, just different.  It felt nicer, actually, better.

He graduated with honors and was accepted into his dream graduate program in Los Angeles.  Gabriel moved with him, of course, and so did his girlfriend of six months, aspiring actress, Kali.  They shared a nice two bedroom apartment for a while.  Until one day Kali came home, up in arms about something or another and declaring that they needed a house. 

They insisted Castiel had come with them on their house hunt, and he obliged at the time though in reality, he wanted nothing less than to forget about the fact that soon, he would be on his own for the first time in his life.

 Castiel was in a cold sweat by the time the realtor showed them into the first house, a small green bungalow.  He nodded politely as she rattled off the details and followed her throughout the house with Gabe and Kali. 

“Hm?” They were upstairs in one of the bedrooms.  Castiel just noticed that everyone was looking at him expectantly. 

“I said, what do you think, sweetie?” Kali was looking at him, head tilted in concern.

“It’s fine, I guess,” Castiel couldn’t really think of anyplace he wanted to be less right now than helping his two friends pick out the house they would abandon him for. 

“Well, if you don’t like it, we can look at something else,” Gabriel said.

“What does it matter what I think?” Castiel was bristling, hurt that they could abandon him so readily, so easily.

“No need to be rude, Castiel.  We just thought you would want some input on where you lived,” Gabriel’s voice sounded like he was rolling his eyes.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I know how particular you are about window placement and building structure,” Gabriel said. “We weren’t going to go without you and then listen to you complain non-stop once we buy it.”

“What? I’m not that rude! I wouldn’t talk about _your_ home like that!”

 Kali actually rolled her eyes.  “Castiel, _our_ home, all of us.” She waved her arm out in a circle. “You do realize we were expecting you to move with us right?”

“Unless you don’t want to,” Gabriel added softly.

Castiel just grinned childishly in reply.

xxx

The three of them created an easy routine.  They alternated cooking nights and chores.  They had game nights and movie nights and once in a while Gabriel and Kali went out without Castiel but he didn’t mind.  He didn’t like to go out.  He didn’t date or make new friends, either.  He didn’t want to.  Sometimes Anna and Ruby would drive down from San Francisco for the weekend and it was like old times but even better. 

When Anna invited Castiel up to attend Ruby’s first official art show, he had tried to make excuses.  She countered every one of them and told him if he didn’t want to get on a bus that she would drive down and pick him up, forcibly, if necessary.  Castiel conceded. 

The gallery was in an interesting part of town, Anna told him.  Castiel had never been to San Francisco before, so he had to take her word on it. It was beautiful though.  The building was an old factory building that had been renovated in a modern style. It was different, unlike anything Castiel had seen before.  The ceilings were amazingly high and the huge multi-paned windows covering the walls. It was stunning.

But there were so many _people_.  Castiel wasn’t used to being around all these people.  And he hated it.  Suddenly, he was too hot and a little dizzy.

“I need to use the restroom,” he said to Anna after awhile.

“Are you okay?” She was looking at him, head tilted, the way she always did right before she mothered him to death.

“I’m fine.  I just need to freshen up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he said firmly.

“Okay.  I’ll be over there, by Anna.” He could tell she didn’t want to leave him.  So, Castiel nodded and walked away before Anna could say anything else.  It was cooler in the windowless bathroom.  And dark too.  Only a few weak bulbs gave off a soft orange glow.

“Highly impractical,” Castiel muttered under his breath.

“Kind of romantic though, don’t you think?”

Castiel jumped around to see the face that belonged to the familiar voice. 

“What? What—“ Castiel struggled to catch his breath, thinking that he was hallucinating the image in front of him.  Dean Winchester grinning smugly, hair slicked back, hands in the pockets of his fit black suit.

“I was hoping I’d find you here,” Dean said simply.  Castiel wanted to rationalize it but he just couldn’t.   _This isn’t real.  This can’t be happening_.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel finally managed to grit out.

“Looking for you, obviously.”

“Oh yes.  Obviously.  Get out of my way.” He tried to shove past him but Dean grabbed his wrists and pulled him in.

“Don’t leave.  I want to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Castiel spat out.

“Please.” That same word, in that same tone. How many times had Castiel envisioned just this?  Castiel up looked into Dean’s pleading eyes.  Dean continued: “It’s been years.”

“Exactly, it’s been years.  After what you did to me, do you really think that there is anything you can say?  Really?” The hatred in Castiel’s voice was startling, even to himself.  The rage, tears and pain he had fought so long to hold in was now brimming at the surface, threatening release.

“I don’t know.  Maybe,” Dean shook his head, looking unsure of himself for the first time that night.  “I thought about you, about finding you, getting you back, so many times.”

It only fanned the flames of Castiel’s growing passion.  “You’re pathetic.  Do you know that?”

“I know.  I let you down.” Dean closed his eyes briefly.

“You let your thug friends beat the shit out of me while you watched!”

 “I’m sorry,” Dean whispered. 

“No.” Castiel shook his head fervently.  “You just stood there.  You stood there and you _watched_.  You just stood there, you just let them--”

He was interrupted by warmth covering his lips, soft and dry.  Castiel stiffened in Dean’s grasp, trying to rein himself in but couldn't force himself to push Dean away.  Dean pulled back, studying him.

“It’s too late,” Castiel said, the interruption giving him the strength to pull his hands away and head towards the door.

“Wait!” Dean grabbed him again and jerked him around.  Castiel gasped as the wind was knocked out of him as his back hit the wall behind him.  Dean’s lips barely moved as he spoke.  “I was a coward then.  Not anymore.”

  Castiel felt the warmth of Dean’s breath against his nose.  Then they were kissing again and Dean was pressing Castiel’s mouth open with his lips, tasting and taking.  Castiel tried to pull away again but there was the cold tile wall behind him, forcing him in place.   _I don’t want this.  Not anymore.  I don’t._ Castiel reminded himself but he couldn’t find the will to struggle.

Dean’s mouth moved from trailing kisses down Castiel’s neck, pausing at his collar bone and Castiel was fraying at the edges, coming undone and spiraling downward into the dark. The insatiable, never-ending hunger was crushing him, pulling him deeper again until he was forever falling.

Falling.

 _Falling_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [deancasbigbang](http://deancasbigbang.livejournal.com) challenge on lj. Huge thanks to static-abyss & daksgirl for alpha & beta reading respectively. I couldn't have done it without all of the help and encouragement from these guys! & also thanks to the fabulous artist lick_j for going above and beyond making the art. Seriously, check it out: the [art](http://lick-j.livejournal.com/1062417.html#cutid1) is awesome :)


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